Why I wrote

Every now and then someone who at some point and time read these blogs i use to write mentions them and how i use to be passionate about them. Not necessarily any good at it but definitely passionate. This much is true. I did write with a passion and tenacity which you tend to find an youth. When i wrote I wrote with a sense of urgency as though if not writing a thought down could result in it being lost forever. (AND I'M NOT EVEN A BLONDE!!!) As a living person we all like to feel good right? Can i assume that much? My way of feeling good was to eat from the tree of knowledge and be a good person because of it. If i can cause myself to think about something that i might not have thought of before because of some idea that led to another through my thought process, I might not have learn a valuable thing. A kind of a "blink and you'll miss it". So I wrote it out here as to never lose that thought at that moment and time. To Preserve it on the web for as long as I'm here, as long as the Internets around, as long as mankind is. Maybe someday I can look back at what i work and feel all kinds of emotions. Feel proud above all those emotions. I have been nothing but honest and fearless in what i wrote and that is something we all deserve from each other. We can fool others and worst of all ourselves by giving the popular opinion as a pose to the important one. Serving a greater injustice to all. These have been thought in my head that never got shared with people for whatever reason. When people bring up these blogs I get a feeling of sadness and wonder why I don't write anymore. I gave it up. For what? What answer can I honestly give myself? No time? Bullshit. I can always make time. I got scared. I'm not a good speller or story teller and I began to doubt if I could write any good. Trying to always write a bigger and better blog is always gonna leave you everywhere but where you want to. Write one that was better than the one before. In the end all I did when I wrote these blogs and what i try to continue to do in life is I tried to be the best that i could be which would intern help create a better world. Planting a seed that could possibly flourish into a garden of good. "I want you to be everything that's you, deep at the center of your being."

Dialogue from the motion picture "Before Sunset"


Jessie:
Glad somebody does. Now, this is better than the Metro, right?

Celine:
Definitely!


Céline: I was thinking...for me it's better I don't romanticize things as much anymore. I was suffering so much all the time. I still have lots of dreams, but they're not in regard to my love life. (Cut to interior of the car.) It doesn't make me sad, it's just the way it is.

Jesse: Is that why you're in a relationship with somebody who's never around?

Céline: Yes, obviously, I can't deal with the day to day life of a relationship. Yeah, we have, you know, this exciting time together and then he leaves, and I miss him, but at least I'm not dying inside. When someone is always around me, I'm like suffocating!

Jesse: No, wait, you just said that you need to love and be loved...

Céline: Yeah, but when I do it quickly makes me nauseous! It's a disaster... I mean I'm really happy only when I'm on my own. Even being alone...it's better than...sitting next to a lover and feeling lonely. It's not so easy for me to be all romantic. You start off that way and after you've been screwed over a few times...you...you…you forget about all your delusional ideas and you just take what comes into your life. That's not even true I haven't been...screwed over, I've just had too many blah relationships. They weren't mean, they cared for me, but... there were no real...connection or excitement. At least not from my side.

Jesse: God, I'm sorry, is it...is it really that bad? It's not, right?

Céline: (Shaking her head with eyes nearly watering.) You know...it's not even that. I was...I was fine, until I read your fucking book! It stirred shit up, you know? It reminded me how genuinely romantic I was, how I had so much hope in things, and now it's like...I don't believe in anything that relates to love. I don't feel things for people anymore. In a way...I put all my romanticism into that one night, and I was never able to feel all this again. Like...somehow this night took things away from me and...I expressed them to you, and you took them with you! It made me feel cold, like if love wasn't for me!

Jesse: I... I don't believe that. I don't believe that.

Céline: You know what? Reality and love are almost contradictory for me. It's funny...every single of my ex’s...they're now married! Men go out with me, we break up, and then they get married! And later they call me to thank me for teaching them what love is, and…

Jesse: (Smiling sympathetically.) Oh God. (Rubs his face with both hands.)

Céline: …and that I taught them to care and respect women!

Jesse: (Pointing at himself.) I think I'm one of those guys.

Céline: (Yelling.) You know, I want to KILL them!! Why didn't they ask ME to marry them? I would have said "No", but at least they could have asked!! But it's my fault, I know it's my fault, because...I never felt it was the right man. Never! But what does it mean the right man? The love of your life? The concept is absurd; the idea that we can only be complete with another person is...EVIL!! RIGHT??!!

Jesse: (Sheepishly.) Can I talk?

Céline: (Speaking more quietly.) You know, I guess I've been heartbroken too many times. And then I recovered. So now, you know, from the starts I make no effort…because I know it’s not going to work out, I know it’s not going to work out.

Jesse: You can't do that. You can't do that, you can't live your life trying to avoid pain, at the expense of en...

Céline: (Interrupting.) OK, you know what? (Moving her fingers to mock the movement of Jesse’s mouth as he speaks.) Those are words! I've gotta...I've gotta get away from you. (To Philippe.) Stop the car, I want to get out!

Jesse: No, no, no, don't...don't get out.

Céline: You know, it's being around you...

Jesse: Keep talking...

Céline: (Jesse grabs her arm) Don't touch me! (Slaps his hand.) You know, I wanna get on a cab...

(To Philippe.) Monsieur! Arretez-vous! Non, non, c'est bon, au feu la! Juste au feu, au coin, il y a un metro meme! Je veux prendre le metro. (Sir, please stop! No, no, it’s okay, at the next traffic light, at the corner, there is even a metro! I want to take the metro.)

Jesse: (To Philippe) No, no, no, keep going... (To Céline) No, listen, I'm just so happy... (To Philippe) Thank you, just keep going...(To Céline.) Alright. Look, I am just so happy, alright...to be with you. I am. I'm so glad you didn’t forget about me. OK.

Céline: No, I didn't...and it pisses me off, OK? You come here to Paris, all romantic, and married, OK? Screw you! Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to get you or anything. I mean, all I need is married man! There's been so much water under the bridge, it's...it's not even about you anymore, it's about that time, that moment in time that is forever gone, I don't know!

Jesse: You...you say all that, but you didn't even remember having sex. So...

Céline: (Flatly, with resignation.) Of course I remembered.

Jesse: (Confused.) You did?

Céline: Yes! Women pretend things like that. I don’t know…(Laughs.)

Jesse: (Still confused.) They do?

Céline: Yeah, what was I supposed to say? That I remember the wine in the park and...us looking up at the stars fading away as the sun came up? We had sex TWICE (claps her hands), you idiot!

Jesse: Alright, you know what? I'm just...happy to see you, even if...you've become an angry, manic depressive activist. I still like you! I still enjoy being around you!

(Reaches out to touch her face, but pulls his hand back quickly, before she notices.)

Céline: And I feel the same. (Laughing.) I'm...I'm sorry, I don't know what happened. I just...I had to let it all out. I...

Jesse: Don't worry about it.

Céline: I'm so miserable in my love life, in my relationship, I always act as... like...you know, I'm detached, but I'm... I'm dying inside. I'm dying because I'm so numb. I don't feel pain, or excitement. I'm not even bitter, I'm just...uh…

Jesse: You think you're the one dying inside? My life is twenty four-seven...BAD.

Céline: I'm sorry.

Jesse: No, no, no...I mean, the only happiness I get is when I'm out with my son. I've been to marriage counseling, I've done things I never thought I would have to do. I lit candles, bought self-help books, lingerie...

Céline: Did the candles help?

Jesse: HELL. NO. (Plaintively.) Alright, I don’t love her the way she needs to be loved, and...I don't even see a future for us. But then I look at...at my little boy, sitting at the table across from me, and I think I would suffer any torture to be with him for all the minutes of his life. You know, I don't wanna miss out on one. But then...there's no joy, or laughter, in my home. You know, and I don't want him growing up in that!

Céline: Oh, no laughter? That's terrible. My parents have been together for 35 years and even when they have a bad fight they end up laughing like crazy.

Jesse: I just...I don't wanna be one of those people who are...getting divorced at 52 and falling down into tears admitting that they never really loved their spouse, and they feel that their life has been (waves his hand, as if being pulled) sucked up into a vacuum cleaner! You know, I want a great life. I want her to have a great life. She deserves that! Alright? But we're just living in a pretense of a marriage, responsibility and all these...just...ideas of how people are supposed to live. Then I...I have these dreams...

Céline: What dreams?

Jesse: (Looks away distantly, eyes starting to water.) I have these dreams, you know, that I’m…I'm standing on a platform, and uh, you keep going by on a train, and...you go by, and you go by, and you go by, and you go by, and I wake up with the fucking sweats, you know? And then I have this other dream, oh...where you're...pregnant, in bed beside me, naked, and I want so badly to touch you, but you tell me not to and then you look away and...and I...I...I touch you anyway, right on your ankle and your skin is so soft and I wake up in sobs, alright? (Inhales deeply.) And my wife is sitting there looking at me, and I feel like I'm a million miles from her, and I know that there's something...wrong! (Céline reaches out to stroke Jesse’s face, but pulls her hand back before he sees her.) You know, that I ca...that I can't keep living like this, that there's gotta be something more to love than commitment. But then I think that...I might have given up...on the whole idea of romantic love. That I...I might have put it to bed that...that day when you weren't there. You know, I think I might have done that.

Céline: (Eyes starting to water again.) Why are you telling me all this?

Jesse: I'm sorry. I don't know, I'm...I...I should...I...I shouldn't have.

Céline: You know, it's so weird...that people think they are the only one going through tough times. I mean when I read the article I thought...your life was perfect. A wife, a kid, a published author. (Jesse laughs.) Your personal life is more of a mess than mine! I'm sorry! (Both laugh.)

Jesse: Well...I'm glad it's good for something.

Religion & The Invisible Man in the Sky

My blog gets it's name from another blog which has inspired me to write my own. It is also named as so as a reminder that if today is in fact my last day on earth I leave everyone the best blog I can write in that moment and the truest one I can mustard up. No Lies, all heart. That said I give you the lastest blog that may not be the most popular one but the most important one I've written yet.

"The time appears to me to have come when it is the duty of all to make their disscent from religion known" -John Stuart Mill

I was catholic until I reach the age of reason. When I reached that age I began to question why I follow a religion and with so many out there what made me think that I belong to the right one. I admit I was a dumb shit when it came to knowledge on catholicism and other religions but now with what I've gathered I can't help but be a skeptic to all religions. All logical people are! Let me ask you this. Is it a conspiracy against religion that newly all scientist, philosophers and other great minds of our time did not believe in any religion? Albert Einstein, Ernest Hemingway, Sigmund Freud, Friedrich Nietzsche, Oscar Wilde, Fidel Castro and Napoleon Bonaparte just to name a few. Ok maybe the last two weren't the best examples but a impressive list none the less.

I had no reason to question the church until as recent as last year when there stance on homosexuality and abortion became clear to me. I take offense to those against homosexuality especially. I can't follow any religion that believes in something I believe myself to be morally wrong, my conscious won't let me."Prevert! God Hates you! Fags are worthy of death!" are just a few of the choice words I've actually heard those who call themselves children of god use. If your religious you have to believe what the good book tells you and what they preach to you so if your stance on this is the same as there's then I surely pity you. Think for yourselves.

Do not get me wrong the bible has great messages and for that I applaud it but give it no more crediablity than fairy tales like "The 3 Little Pigs" or "Jack and the Bean Stalk" when it hold stories of talking snakes, a guy trapped in a whale and another raising from the dead. What is this the bible or a George Romero zombie flick? If you had no prior knowledge of which stories are in the bible and which are fairy tales you wouldn't be able to tell which is which. I see the philosophy of religion & that I get. I respect that. There is good that comes from it but I think the bad out weighs the good & thats the number one reason I'm against it. Isn't killing people in the name of god insanity? So many have died and will continue to die because of it. Stories of priest fucking kids and discrimination are enough for me to call it quits. Something about religion in the hands of mankind is scary.

I understand the comfort & security religion can bring and I also understand that leaving the church can mean commiting social suicide but if continuing to live blindly and following something because my parents or peers do then that isn't reason enough for me to believe. There are those out there who believe and live this certain lifestyle out of the fear of punishment. That also can not be enough for anyone to believe in anything.

"If people are good only because they fear punishment and hope for a reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed" -Albert Einstein

Religious folks will use the agrument that there is a higher power whose ways are incomprehensible to us like trying to explain the T.V. to an ant but I think its a complete copout. People need something to believe in and are perfectly fine with not knowing truth. It boggles the mind that they will put up with a another person's questioning until you question their faith.

Faith is the great cop-out, the great excuse to evade the need to think and evaluate evidance. Faith is belief in spite of, even perhaps because of, a lack of evidence" - Richard Dawkins

Countless have said god has manifested himself to them. All while they were alone of course. He seem to never want to manifest himself to more than one person. I guess its not his thing. You know what I like to call these men and women? Fucken LIARS! I'd like hard facts and proof not voices someone hears. If I told you god came to me and told me to start a new religion because all the other one's have gotten it wrong would you believe me? All I need is a few to believe me and slowly but surely the rest will fall like dominos. Just look at the success of other false prophets like Joseph Smith. This gentleman said god came to him and told him to start a new religion he called the Lader Day Saints or known to you and me as the mormon religion. Joseph Smith actual got people believing in the following things: God was once a man, Evolution is false, that there is Magic Underwear with mormon symbols that protect them from harm, Satan has the control of the water, You can't get to heaven without a secret hand shake, When we die we become gods of our own planet and there will be no such thing as parent and child relationships, any person can be baptized even if they are dead example of people who have been baptized by mormons after death are Adolf Hitler and Anne Frank. I know thats a lot of information all at once and I didn't even mention Poligamy!

"Religion is regarded by the common people as true, by the wise as false, and by rulers as useful" -Lucids Annaeus Seneca"

And never is that more evident then in the watchtower religion otherwise known best as the Jehovah's Witnesses. This religion is the leading religion in mind control in my opinion. They are told at a very early age that questioning their religion is wrong. That the world was going to end in 1914 then when that did not come true they were told it was going to end in 1915 then when that year came and went the date got pushed to 1918 then pushed to 1925 and then guess what? They finally stop trying to give it a date and simply said it was coming to an end soon. A Jehovah's Witnesses must have little or no relationships with those not in the church which would explain why a friend of mine who belongs to the church never wants to hang out. He is a good kid who follows everything his mom tells him but sometimes its ridiculous. You would think the umbilical cord was never detached. Jehovah's witnesses don't believe in celebrating birthdays and every holiday like christmas. You will never be allowed to accept a blood transfusion, even if it means saving your life. You would be expected in that case to give up your life and the lives of your children rather than accepting one. And to me the biggest piece of shit any religion believes in which is if you were raped and didn't scream or try to fight they will say it is your fault. Just stop and think for a second how being expose to these dark beliefs at an early age could effect a child even to the point of scaring them and there are cases of that. This concludes also how fear is a powerful religious tool. Save yourselves they say. Well fuck you I don't want to be saved.

Scientology? Man I won't even get started! I prefer the science fiction work of Jules Verne thank you very much. There are many which I won't get into but encourage you to become more knowledgeable about and do the research yourselves on such that I've left out like the Jewish and muslim religion. But the point is aren't all these religion's outrageous? Some more than others but Christianty is not exempt. Less crazy but still bullshit.

I find that the must intolerent people are the religious one. All I ask is for facts, proof of gods existance from any of them and they can't deliever. Human beings have often try to find fulfilness through religion. I say fulfilness can be found without giving it the title or name religion. I also get that things happen through out our lives which make us "find god". I'm not here to try to convert anyone into anything just selling doubt thats all. All the religions sell you certainty that they can't deliver.

I'm not an atheist. Being an atheist is believing that there is no god and I don't think that. I don't think that because I don't have proof, No one does! And thats my point. There is no proof for or against his existance. You try to tell a Christian that & they will almost always retort and offer as an explanation that the world around us is proof enough. That doesn't fly with me Johnny and to those I offer them Darwinism. If not an atheist then what? Some would want to call me an agnostic but in this age of labels I would prefer not to be given one.

"Once you label me you negate me" -Søren Kierkegaard


War, diease, death, destruction, hunger, filth, poverty, torture, crime and corruption. Is all this part of god's plan? Explain to me how the holocaust can fit in god's plan.

I know I might have offended some of you but if I made someone think then its worth it. Those who kept a closed mind I'm glad I offended you. Be rational folks and most importantly think and be truthful to yourselves. It doesn't matter what I think at the end of the day only that your true to yourselves. Then and only then do I think you will come to the same conclusions about religion & the invisible man in the sky that I have.

As I've said with my other blogs I would enjoy feedback from those who have read them and this one is no different. Positive or negetive insight is greatly welcomed. Debates are what I'm hopeful for but an echo would be just as nice.
Thank you and god bless...just fucking with you.

Love begins with J

I'd like to tell you a story. One of the best kind of stories. A love story.

His name was James, born in puerto rico to an American father and an italian mother. He was a handsome buck born with many talents and ability to accomplish anything he set his mind to except wooing the hand of this beautiful young girl whose smile made men mush. He met her freshman year in high school in classes he couldn't remember years later because he set all his attention on her during this time. She always seemed to be in a genuinely good mood and had a glow that hovered around her. He let it be known how he felt but she didn't take him seriously. She called it puppy love and not anything that could hold water. Misguided emotions she called it. Emotions that could have been felt for any girl who came along. She just happen to come across cupid's line of fire. Right place at the right time or right place at the wrong time? Depends on who you ask. She couldn't understand how he felt having known her for such a little while. He told her "I can't explain it but I feel this whole different level of happy when I see you and I think to ignore it would be denying myself of something potentially great".

Unfortuntely his efforts and time with her would be cut short. The next school year she was gone. She had dropped out of high school and out of his life.

Time can heal most wounds and James seem to be healing his quite well until one day he entered a McDonald's only to re-opened a wound the moment he layed eyes on her. 15years had past since he last saw her and much had changed since then but by the look on his face one thing had not changed. To James it was like he was given a second chance to talk to her and tell her the things he hadn't been about to when he had the chance. They exchanged numbers that day and stayed in contact.

Through coversation they realized the comfort they brought each other. They help fill a void in each others lives that they craved so badly and for both parties it was a breath of fresh air. They found each other again when they needed to the most. James was dealing with a divorce while she was dealing with an unhappy marriage. She had gotten pregnant a couple years after he last saw her and wanted to do right by her unborn son so she married his father. Then they had a second child a few years after that. And now she was due to have a third child.

He wanted to be with her in those moments more then ever. He wanted to be her salvation but didn't want to break up a marriage that was doing well of that on its own. He wanted to tell her how he felt but she knew, she always knew.

James' career path led him to become a detective for the police department and in his conversations with her he would tell her about countless cases as they happened. One would ultimately stand out for a truely tragic reason. It goes as follows from what she was told: He and his partner had been steaking out a coke house for weeks when they final got the go ahead to raid it. Once inside James spotted at the corner of his eye an 8 year old boy run out the back of the home and slip into a swimming pool. He quickly ran out to the boy, pulled him out and tired to revive him by CPR but the boy only coughed up blood. What James didn't know was that he was already dead by the time he attempted CPR. The boy was in the process of taking a breath when he fell in and swallowed the chlorine filled water which cause his lungs to explode. The boy died instantly. This case haunted James and his health began to deteriorate because of it. He would get sour throats that would not go away and skin rashes that were unexplanable.

A short time after his health took a turn for the worst and calls didn't come in from James she finally got a call only it was from his mother. They had known each other prior to that call because James would rave to his mother about his love for her. His mother instintly feel in love with her as well for the way she made her son feel. He "speaks highly of you" she would say to the loved woman in question. This call however was not one she was ready to receive. James' mother asked if she could met her at the police station then and there. She said yes and went. She was met by James' mother and with his mother was a detective who with no hesitation began to ask her a series of questions that scared her as they went on. She was asked if she ever had sex with James and she answered truthfully. The answers were the same James gave but they had to be sure. They had to know. Then she was told that James had AIDS. He contracted the virus the day he tired to revive the boy in the pool. The boys blood had touched James' saliva.

James was at that station that day and they would see each other for the last time that day. She saw a broken down man that resembled James but not the one she remembered. Her nightmare was confirmed when he spoke. "I'm going to die Jenny and I don't want you to be around when I do. Remember that I always loved you and how there could never be anyone else for me." Little was known about AIDS during this time and by the time he could decide to do anything about it it was too late.

3 months had then past since that meeting and Jenny still hadn't heard anything about James. Then came the phone call. It was his mother. She told Jenny what she had fear the whole time she knew nothing. James had passed away. She told Jenny that before he passed on he wrote a letter. A letter for Jenny that she wanted her to come get personally. Only thing was she was in Italy, her home country where James chose to live the remander of his life. She didn't go to Italy however. She was married with two kids and a third on the way and no one knew about James so it would have been out of the question. The letter was read over the phone that day. Along with his last loving words he left Jenny his home in Bel-air, his lexus and $50,000.

Jenny didn't end up taking any of it that day. She past it on to his mother to do what she best saw fit to do with it.

This was one of those true stories you wish weren't true. There was a James, there is Jenny and the third child she ended up having was me.

In life we don't get that many chances to have true love so don't turn your back on it because of a doubt. Love and let be love. It the most precious thing we have to offer as human beings.

Comparing Scar: War Within Himself

This blog was started months ago as will be evident by the date it will claim to be posted on but I finish it on July 9, 2009.

My father turned 18 years old in basic training and soon found himself fighting a war he knew little about. Up to a few weeks ago all I knew about my father serving in the Vietnam War was just that. I always had questions about the war but I resisted asking him because I was afraid of opening up old wounds. My father plans on retiring to mexico by the end of the year and I realized I know little if nothing about his life. That gave me the motivation to ask questions because if I'm ever blessed with kids I want to be able to tell them something about their grandfather, for good or for bad.

War can leave even the toughest of men scared and I don't believe my father to be exempt. He witness a friend of his being blown to pieces not 40ft from where he stood by a vietnamese child who offered him a box of what he believed to be candy. It reminded me of an incident that accured out infront of the home where I use to live on Cesar Chavez st. a couple months back in april. It was late night when I step out to get something out of my car when I noticed this elderly man covered in clothes from head to toe with a shopping cart. I guess the reason he caught my eye was because he was with a dog who kept barking at my dogs. In the time it took me to from my car to the front door the man gets run over as he attempted to cross the street. For those who aren't familar with the street and where I use to live. It is wide with no street light on either side so you would have to be very careful to across. The van that hit him didn't see him at all because it didn't even attempt to stop. I saw a man toss through the air, cart and all, like he was a rag doll and the thud I heard still resonates in my memory more than any visual of that day. I immedately called 911 as he lay there lifelessly. His dog managed to get out of the way and survive until the next day where I recognized the road kill on the street as the same dog. Don't know if the man made it that night but it goes to show how a life can be taken instantly. One minute this guy is walking and breathing right next to me and the next his...

My father got the crabs four times while he was in nam. He told of wild unbelievable stories of vietnamese prositutes sticking razors in there vagina to injure the troops. None of this scared him away from fucking like a jack rabbit. You try telling a 18 year old not to fuck when sex and drugs are available at any given time. Anything to get your mind off of the reason your there. He told me of a fellow he met who got hooked on drugs and years later ran into him in his own home country of Mexico dealing drugs. My father has a past of dealing drugs as well and as recent as 5 years ago. I don't know how he got into it but I know he got out of it because he was getting pressured by a local gang to give them a percentage of his profit. He will tell you he quit out of his own free will but from what my brothers say, not so. He put us at risk by saleing his junk straight out of our own home and had us running into junkies as we came and left. It's something my brothers haven't forgave him for.

When I asked if he had killed anyone during the war I got a silence that said it all and I left it alone. I try not to paint my father as a bad guy but the facts speak for themselves. I struggle with forgiveness for what his done to his family. I forgive because war can cripple a man and at the same time I don't because it's been 40years since that time and he hasn't man up to his responsablities as a father. He has three boys who are not right. One has struggled with suicide, another is seeing a therapist and the other can't figure out why he can't make close relationships. Can you guess which I am?

I'm was told today that I was conceive by a rape. How do you think that makes me feel? You can't begin to know how that makes me feel. I knew I wasn't conceived out of love and that is already a huge burden to carry but rape is a whole different thing. Rape has surround my life and my family. It's something that hurts me as bad as it has hurt them. They can't understand how that is and its so because for someone to hurt someone else you love to death is hard to live with. You feel as much as you want to protect them you can't, your defenseless. I wake up some nights just thinking about it and its the number one cause of my meloncoly. And now this!? I myself am a cause of a rape. I might as well be a bastard child. My father wanted my mom not to have me but here I am for better or worst still trying to find out what love really is.

I leave you with footage not of the entertaining value. I want you to see and experience for at least a minute or two of what my father and so many others experience and which are cemented in their brains. Remember that they fought two wars, the vietnam war and their own.

A Juxtapose of Emotional Rhetoric

There has to be something wrong with me. Christmas is coming but I'm not happy. I don't feel how I'm suppose to feel.




It strange how happy it makes me to see how unhappy Charlie Brown is on Christmas. It makes me feel like I'm not alone. You know what I mean? Yeah I bet I sound crazy, right? Finding comfort with a melancholy cartoon boy. Things can change over the years but Charlie Brown will always be sad on christmas and that makes me happy.

Last week I went to El Mercadito to sing las mananitas a la virgen de guadalupe. It was just as I remember it from the previous year with one small difference. I was alone. Last year my brothers and I went together like one big happy family. I remember feeling happy that we were together because up to that point I couldn't remember the last time we were somewhere together. It's a rarity. To stress how rare that is, well we haven't done something like it since. It was something that instantly put me in a great mood. A year later I found myself alone. It was so symbolic that I would find myself alone. I'd like to think that I don't ask for much and maybe what I do ask for is too much. It's times like these that I'm remember of a lyric in a flaming lips song: "Our lives are strangely our own".



Today I got a call from a guy named Pedro I worked with during the filming of Seven Pounds. It happened that today I had been having a feeling of worthlessness and his call made all the difference in changing my mindset. Just when I was feeling like I've become a ghost in my own life and lives of others, this happens. We spoke about the then and the now. My medicine wasn't in what he said but the act of calling me. It made me see the positive influence I had in someone's life. Hollywood has alot of two-faced people and knowing nothing about that I came to the set of Seven Pounds with the greatest attitude and was simply being myself. I felt they saw that. They saw that I was being genuine and they were drawn to that. As I've said before and I'll say again I enjoy making someone smile, laugh, making them happy. It's a pleasure comedians feel when someone laughs at their jokes. To go further into that I also like to stay away from my friends when I know I'm not capable of being that person. I don't want to be a drag to be around and recently thats who I've become. I despise it! It makes me even more sad when I realize I'm being that person. It's not like I mean to either. When Pedro called he made me think of that person I was and where his gone because his been MIA for a long time. It would be easy for me to diagnosis myself with depression but I don't think I'm sad enough to be depression. I'm just in a stage where I see the world and those around me moving on and I need to adjust to it to see where I fit. I've become this shadow of a man. I miss the old me and wish to have him back someday because I can think of one other person who misses him to.

"I am still determined to be cheerful and happy, in whatever situation I may be; for I have also learned from experience that the greater part of our happiness or misery depends upon our dispositions, and not upon our circumstances." -Martha Washington

It was just about a year ago where everything came together. A year gone and it seems I've lost what I love the most. Yet I hold no remorse and understand that things have to be this way. I've finally understand that if you love something let it go. If it comes back to you, it was meant to be. True love knows no limitations. We give ourselves these limitations. It makes me so very happy that I don't look back in anger when I think of where I have come with my partner. I tend to think of where we've been and whenever I think back on us the first thing that comes to my mind are the great times we've had and I smile. To me thats a sign that we did something right along the way. It makes me so very happy that I at least had last year with that one person. My favorite part of 2007, my favorite Christmas, my favorite memory, the best time in my whole life.

From this point on I speak to one person and one person only. This is where the blog ends for the rest of you. Since I have no way of finding out if you read beyond this point I can only hope you all respect my wishes and don't. Thank you.

It's snowing in Arkansas right now. I know how you wanted to see snow in Arkansas last year and we weren't treated to it but hey we did run into it in Texas remember? Damn that was one chilling night.There were quite a few accidents during that night ride. I know how scared you were about something happening to us on that bus ride so I didn't want to bug you with it. You look so peaceful sleeping there that I couldn't imagine waking you. I also saw these two dudes who sat next to us making out in the dark. Now what was wrong about that was that one guy was old enough to be the other one's father! We also saw snow on our way back in New Mexico, remember?. We would have been home sooner if we didn't run into that traffic. I recall that by then you were so home sick you were counting the miles to Los Angeles.

How long did it take us to get to arkansas? We left on the 22nd didn't we? I know we were suppose to get there in like a day but because of that flat tire we got in the middle of nowhere plans changed but wasn't it interesting meeting that one dude from minnesota? The stories he shared about his childhood and family were priceless.

On the bus drive through Oklahoma we shared what I believe to be a pivotal moment in our trip and our relationship. I've mention this moment to you once before but you don't seem to recall. I've mentioned it but never gone into detail about it until now. We were going through your IPOD when you put on "Luz De Dia" by Enanitos Verdes. I may be looking too much into it but I had a feeling that you were speaking to me indirectly through that song. The moment I heard the lyrics "Ya no pienses mas en nuestro pasado hagamos que choquen nuestar copas por habernos encontrado" I felt this feeling come over me, this emotional release. I felt a weight was lifted as I lay there, my head in your lap. The feeling was comparable to the first time you told me you loved me. It was one of those moments that struck a nerve with me and one I haven't forget almost a year to the day it happened. In my mind it's the song that captures and sums up our trip even more than the gazillion Bob Dylan songs we heard and sang on our way home.

I finally figured out cruise control with my Bessie!

I had the best time doing the simplest things like watching movies with you all day because it was with you. It goes to show it's not what you do but who you do it with that makes something worthwhile. There was never a dull moment for me in our trip. I could have spent the rest of my life with you on this neverending trip. I can't explain in words how happy I felt that I had you to my own even if only for a couple days. The idea that life with you can be the way it was for those few days makes living in this fucked up world worthwhile.

Don't think it's ever escaped my mind the sacrifices you made to spend that christmas with me. You gave up christmas with your family and that was the single greatest gift anyone has given me. If I had any doubts or wondered how much you loved me I found out then. For those few days I know what happiness was. I know it sound like a cliché but I mean it from the bottom of my heart. Nothing in my life has had more significance to me then those days. I've come to a sad realization that we can't choose who we fall in love with and I want to thank you for trying to love me the way I love you even though you don't love me that way. That makes me very sad because whether it's true or not I feel like the biggest reject, incapable of a woman's love. I gave you my all and it wasn't good enough. That's something I accept with much sorrow. No one will ever fill the void you leave in my heart and whether you believe me or not I say it with the deepest sincerity. I can never love someone the way I love you because that love will always be reserved for you until the day I die. You were meant for me and no one will ever love you the way I do. You merely have to look into my eyes to know that every word I say is true.



We'll always have arkansas.

Comparing Scar: A Lifetime of Grief

I was raised by a single parent, my mother. I've been called a mama's boy more times then you can imagine. In middle school anytime someone said anything inappropriate about her I'd kick there ass. She loves me unconditionally much like parents do and I understood that I had to do my part to keep that love stronger than ever. It's wasn't like I would ever lose a mother's love but I tried to exiled in everything I do to show her my gratitude. What better way to show her I love her, right? There was one time in my life where I felt like I let her down and I swore I would never do that ever again and to this day I think I've kept true to that.

Lately I have been digging into my families past, asking questions and what not. I felt I needed to know my own family and way it is how it is. In the case of my mother I found a lifetime of sorrow, sadness, regret and anything else you can think of. I found a woman who through her fate gain strength to carry on in a world that hasn't been kind to her. You look at her and you wouldn't know it. She hides the pain behind a strong sense of humor much in the way I do, only that she doesn't it better than I could ever do.

My mother and her brother were molested as children by their father and unless someone you love more than anything in this world went through something like this, you can't begin to comprehend my pain or there's. It's worst then death! To cause pain to an innocent, defenseless child kills me. Yes it didn't happen to me personally but it might as well have. That's how bad it makes me feel. I knew little about my uncle because he passed away when I was a new born. I believe the story goes that he held me as a new born and a week later he died. My mother welcomed her last son and buried her closest brother around the same time. Through the years I found out that my late uncle and mother had the closest bond out of all 10 children my grandma and grandpa had. It wasn't until recent that I begun to understand why that bond was made. They shared in a grief and if I'm consoled by anything it's that they had each other through the tragedy. My uncle kept this hidden from his family and took it to his grave. It's something my mother plans on doing as well. My mother never told anyone in the family because she didn't want to ruin it. It would have killed her mother and who knows what domino's would have fallen. I could never understand how someone can protect the person that has cause them so much pain. These people must pay for what they do. What runs through someones mind when they choose to take part in such a horrific act? Do they know the harm there causing their victim? Some never recover from it and those who do never really do. It makes me give up hope in humanity when I find out that people are capable of this. Not only this but much worse if there is anything worse.

When I found out that this had happen to her on more then one occasion I went through a stint of depression. There were days (and there still are when I'm reminded) were I can't function properly. To this day I have my days were I try to drown it away by booze or sleep. In my mind I can only hope tomorrow brings better things and a bad memory but unfortunately that's not how it works. It's literately the first thing I would think the next morning. It's what nightmares are really made of. I'll look at her smile and carry on in only the way she can and I think about how much shes masking, how much she's holding in. As a loved one all you want to do is protect them from harm. It made me feel hopeless that even with your strongest convictions you can't always protect the one's you love. You can't be there every hour of every day.

When she was old enough to leave the house she did. She found an escape in my father. She was drawn by what my father claim to represent and I use the would claim because she would later find out that it wasn't who he really was. My mother told me she never loved my father. She respected him but never loved him. They had three kids. None out of love. Most of us weren't planned pregnancy's and those of you who were, great! You are the selected few. What I'm trying to say is most of us weren't planned but at least a major portion if not all are conceived out of love. Now let me repeat my mother never love my dad. You don't know how much it fucks with my head that someone like myself who yearns so much for one persons love wasn't even made out of love but in spite of it. To me that worse then knowing you were an accident.

My father cheated on my mother with her own sister while she was pregnant with my other brother. Yet she took him back. Everything she owned she bought with her own hard earn money because my father never gave her money for anything. Not even for us. After 22 years of marriage she decided to call it quits. She's happily married now but still suffers through stints of anxiety actions. Especially when her two other boys look for her only when they need something from her or when its convenient.

So call me a mama's boy because I'll call her everyday. Call me a mama's boy because I think about how she would feel before I get my hands dirty doing something wrong. My mother has suffered a lifetime of grief and it would kill me if I did anything to cause her one more bit of pain. So please call me a mama's boy because that will mean I'm doing something right.