Comparing Scar: War Within Himself

This blog was started months ago as will be evident by the date it will claim to be posted on but I finish it on July 9, 2009.

My father turned 18 years old in basic training and soon found himself fighting a war he knew little about. Up to a few weeks ago all I knew about my father serving in the Vietnam War was just that. I always had questions about the war but I resisted asking him because I was afraid of opening up old wounds. My father plans on retiring to mexico by the end of the year and I realized I know little if nothing about his life. That gave me the motivation to ask questions because if I'm ever blessed with kids I want to be able to tell them something about their grandfather, for good or for bad.

War can leave even the toughest of men scared and I don't believe my father to be exempt. He witness a friend of his being blown to pieces not 40ft from where he stood by a vietnamese child who offered him a box of what he believed to be candy. It reminded me of an incident that accured out infront of the home where I use to live on Cesar Chavez st. a couple months back in april. It was late night when I step out to get something out of my car when I noticed this elderly man covered in clothes from head to toe with a shopping cart. I guess the reason he caught my eye was because he was with a dog who kept barking at my dogs. In the time it took me to from my car to the front door the man gets run over as he attempted to cross the street. For those who aren't familar with the street and where I use to live. It is wide with no street light on either side so you would have to be very careful to across. The van that hit him didn't see him at all because it didn't even attempt to stop. I saw a man toss through the air, cart and all, like he was a rag doll and the thud I heard still resonates in my memory more than any visual of that day. I immedately called 911 as he lay there lifelessly. His dog managed to get out of the way and survive until the next day where I recognized the road kill on the street as the same dog. Don't know if the man made it that night but it goes to show how a life can be taken instantly. One minute this guy is walking and breathing right next to me and the next his...

My father got the crabs four times while he was in nam. He told of wild unbelievable stories of vietnamese prositutes sticking razors in there vagina to injure the troops. None of this scared him away from fucking like a jack rabbit. You try telling a 18 year old not to fuck when sex and drugs are available at any given time. Anything to get your mind off of the reason your there. He told me of a fellow he met who got hooked on drugs and years later ran into him in his own home country of Mexico dealing drugs. My father has a past of dealing drugs as well and as recent as 5 years ago. I don't know how he got into it but I know he got out of it because he was getting pressured by a local gang to give them a percentage of his profit. He will tell you he quit out of his own free will but from what my brothers say, not so. He put us at risk by saleing his junk straight out of our own home and had us running into junkies as we came and left. It's something my brothers haven't forgave him for.

When I asked if he had killed anyone during the war I got a silence that said it all and I left it alone. I try not to paint my father as a bad guy but the facts speak for themselves. I struggle with forgiveness for what his done to his family. I forgive because war can cripple a man and at the same time I don't because it's been 40years since that time and he hasn't man up to his responsablities as a father. He has three boys who are not right. One has struggled with suicide, another is seeing a therapist and the other can't figure out why he can't make close relationships. Can you guess which I am?

I'm was told today that I was conceive by a rape. How do you think that makes me feel? You can't begin to know how that makes me feel. I knew I wasn't conceived out of love and that is already a huge burden to carry but rape is a whole different thing. Rape has surround my life and my family. It's something that hurts me as bad as it has hurt them. They can't understand how that is and its so because for someone to hurt someone else you love to death is hard to live with. You feel as much as you want to protect them you can't, your defenseless. I wake up some nights just thinking about it and its the number one cause of my meloncoly. And now this!? I myself am a cause of a rape. I might as well be a bastard child. My father wanted my mom not to have me but here I am for better or worst still trying to find out what love really is.

I leave you with footage not of the entertaining value. I want you to see and experience for at least a minute or two of what my father and so many others experience and which are cemented in their brains. Remember that they fought two wars, the vietnam war and their own.

A Juxtapose of Emotional Rhetoric

There has to be something wrong with me. Christmas is coming but I'm not happy. I don't feel how I'm suppose to feel.




It strange how happy it makes me to see how unhappy Charlie Brown is on Christmas. It makes me feel like I'm not alone. You know what I mean? Yeah I bet I sound crazy, right? Finding comfort with a melancholy cartoon boy. Things can change over the years but Charlie Brown will always be sad on christmas and that makes me happy.

Last week I went to El Mercadito to sing las mananitas a la virgen de guadalupe. It was just as I remember it from the previous year with one small difference. I was alone. Last year my brothers and I went together like one big happy family. I remember feeling happy that we were together because up to that point I couldn't remember the last time we were somewhere together. It's a rarity. To stress how rare that is, well we haven't done something like it since. It was something that instantly put me in a great mood. A year later I found myself alone. It was so symbolic that I would find myself alone. I'd like to think that I don't ask for much and maybe what I do ask for is too much. It's times like these that I'm remember of a lyric in a flaming lips song: "Our lives are strangely our own".



Today I got a call from a guy named Pedro I worked with during the filming of Seven Pounds. It happened that today I had been having a feeling of worthlessness and his call made all the difference in changing my mindset. Just when I was feeling like I've become a ghost in my own life and lives of others, this happens. We spoke about the then and the now. My medicine wasn't in what he said but the act of calling me. It made me see the positive influence I had in someone's life. Hollywood has alot of two-faced people and knowing nothing about that I came to the set of Seven Pounds with the greatest attitude and was simply being myself. I felt they saw that. They saw that I was being genuine and they were drawn to that. As I've said before and I'll say again I enjoy making someone smile, laugh, making them happy. It's a pleasure comedians feel when someone laughs at their jokes. To go further into that I also like to stay away from my friends when I know I'm not capable of being that person. I don't want to be a drag to be around and recently thats who I've become. I despise it! It makes me even more sad when I realize I'm being that person. It's not like I mean to either. When Pedro called he made me think of that person I was and where his gone because his been MIA for a long time. It would be easy for me to diagnosis myself with depression but I don't think I'm sad enough to be depression. I'm just in a stage where I see the world and those around me moving on and I need to adjust to it to see where I fit. I've become this shadow of a man. I miss the old me and wish to have him back someday because I can think of one other person who misses him to.

"I am still determined to be cheerful and happy, in whatever situation I may be; for I have also learned from experience that the greater part of our happiness or misery depends upon our dispositions, and not upon our circumstances." -Martha Washington

It was just about a year ago where everything came together. A year gone and it seems I've lost what I love the most. Yet I hold no remorse and understand that things have to be this way. I've finally understand that if you love something let it go. If it comes back to you, it was meant to be. True love knows no limitations. We give ourselves these limitations. It makes me so very happy that I don't look back in anger when I think of where I have come with my partner. I tend to think of where we've been and whenever I think back on us the first thing that comes to my mind are the great times we've had and I smile. To me thats a sign that we did something right along the way. It makes me so very happy that I at least had last year with that one person. My favorite part of 2007, my favorite Christmas, my favorite memory, the best time in my whole life.

From this point on I speak to one person and one person only. This is where the blog ends for the rest of you. Since I have no way of finding out if you read beyond this point I can only hope you all respect my wishes and don't. Thank you.

It's snowing in Arkansas right now. I know how you wanted to see snow in Arkansas last year and we weren't treated to it but hey we did run into it in Texas remember? Damn that was one chilling night.There were quite a few accidents during that night ride. I know how scared you were about something happening to us on that bus ride so I didn't want to bug you with it. You look so peaceful sleeping there that I couldn't imagine waking you. I also saw these two dudes who sat next to us making out in the dark. Now what was wrong about that was that one guy was old enough to be the other one's father! We also saw snow on our way back in New Mexico, remember?. We would have been home sooner if we didn't run into that traffic. I recall that by then you were so home sick you were counting the miles to Los Angeles.

How long did it take us to get to arkansas? We left on the 22nd didn't we? I know we were suppose to get there in like a day but because of that flat tire we got in the middle of nowhere plans changed but wasn't it interesting meeting that one dude from minnesota? The stories he shared about his childhood and family were priceless.

On the bus drive through Oklahoma we shared what I believe to be a pivotal moment in our trip and our relationship. I've mention this moment to you once before but you don't seem to recall. I've mentioned it but never gone into detail about it until now. We were going through your IPOD when you put on "Luz De Dia" by Enanitos Verdes. I may be looking too much into it but I had a feeling that you were speaking to me indirectly through that song. The moment I heard the lyrics "Ya no pienses mas en nuestro pasado hagamos que choquen nuestar copas por habernos encontrado" I felt this feeling come over me, this emotional release. I felt a weight was lifted as I lay there, my head in your lap. The feeling was comparable to the first time you told me you loved me. It was one of those moments that struck a nerve with me and one I haven't forget almost a year to the day it happened. In my mind it's the song that captures and sums up our trip even more than the gazillion Bob Dylan songs we heard and sang on our way home.

I finally figured out cruise control with my Bessie!

I had the best time doing the simplest things like watching movies with you all day because it was with you. It goes to show it's not what you do but who you do it with that makes something worthwhile. There was never a dull moment for me in our trip. I could have spent the rest of my life with you on this neverending trip. I can't explain in words how happy I felt that I had you to my own even if only for a couple days. The idea that life with you can be the way it was for those few days makes living in this fucked up world worthwhile.

Don't think it's ever escaped my mind the sacrifices you made to spend that christmas with me. You gave up christmas with your family and that was the single greatest gift anyone has given me. If I had any doubts or wondered how much you loved me I found out then. For those few days I know what happiness was. I know it sound like a cliché but I mean it from the bottom of my heart. Nothing in my life has had more significance to me then those days. I've come to a sad realization that we can't choose who we fall in love with and I want to thank you for trying to love me the way I love you even though you don't love me that way. That makes me very sad because whether it's true or not I feel like the biggest reject, incapable of a woman's love. I gave you my all and it wasn't good enough. That's something I accept with much sorrow. No one will ever fill the void you leave in my heart and whether you believe me or not I say it with the deepest sincerity. I can never love someone the way I love you because that love will always be reserved for you until the day I die. You were meant for me and no one will ever love you the way I do. You merely have to look into my eyes to know that every word I say is true.



We'll always have arkansas.

Comparing Scar: A Lifetime of Grief

I was raised by a single parent, my mother. I've been called a mama's boy more times then you can imagine. In middle school anytime someone said anything inappropriate about her I'd kick there ass. She loves me unconditionally much like parents do and I understood that I had to do my part to keep that love stronger than ever. It's wasn't like I would ever lose a mother's love but I tried to exiled in everything I do to show her my gratitude. What better way to show her I love her, right? There was one time in my life where I felt like I let her down and I swore I would never do that ever again and to this day I think I've kept true to that.

Lately I have been digging into my families past, asking questions and what not. I felt I needed to know my own family and way it is how it is. In the case of my mother I found a lifetime of sorrow, sadness, regret and anything else you can think of. I found a woman who through her fate gain strength to carry on in a world that hasn't been kind to her. You look at her and you wouldn't know it. She hides the pain behind a strong sense of humor much in the way I do, only that she doesn't it better than I could ever do.

My mother and her brother were molested as children by their father and unless someone you love more than anything in this world went through something like this, you can't begin to comprehend my pain or there's. It's worst then death! To cause pain to an innocent, defenseless child kills me. Yes it didn't happen to me personally but it might as well have. That's how bad it makes me feel. I knew little about my uncle because he passed away when I was a new born. I believe the story goes that he held me as a new born and a week later he died. My mother welcomed her last son and buried her closest brother around the same time. Through the years I found out that my late uncle and mother had the closest bond out of all 10 children my grandma and grandpa had. It wasn't until recent that I begun to understand why that bond was made. They shared in a grief and if I'm consoled by anything it's that they had each other through the tragedy. My uncle kept this hidden from his family and took it to his grave. It's something my mother plans on doing as well. My mother never told anyone in the family because she didn't want to ruin it. It would have killed her mother and who knows what domino's would have fallen. I could never understand how someone can protect the person that has cause them so much pain. These people must pay for what they do. What runs through someones mind when they choose to take part in such a horrific act? Do they know the harm there causing their victim? Some never recover from it and those who do never really do. It makes me give up hope in humanity when I find out that people are capable of this. Not only this but much worse if there is anything worse.

When I found out that this had happen to her on more then one occasion I went through a stint of depression. There were days (and there still are when I'm reminded) were I can't function properly. To this day I have my days were I try to drown it away by booze or sleep. In my mind I can only hope tomorrow brings better things and a bad memory but unfortunately that's not how it works. It's literately the first thing I would think the next morning. It's what nightmares are really made of. I'll look at her smile and carry on in only the way she can and I think about how much shes masking, how much she's holding in. As a loved one all you want to do is protect them from harm. It made me feel hopeless that even with your strongest convictions you can't always protect the one's you love. You can't be there every hour of every day.

When she was old enough to leave the house she did. She found an escape in my father. She was drawn by what my father claim to represent and I use the would claim because she would later find out that it wasn't who he really was. My mother told me she never loved my father. She respected him but never loved him. They had three kids. None out of love. Most of us weren't planned pregnancy's and those of you who were, great! You are the selected few. What I'm trying to say is most of us weren't planned but at least a major portion if not all are conceived out of love. Now let me repeat my mother never love my dad. You don't know how much it fucks with my head that someone like myself who yearns so much for one persons love wasn't even made out of love but in spite of it. To me that worse then knowing you were an accident.

My father cheated on my mother with her own sister while she was pregnant with my other brother. Yet she took him back. Everything she owned she bought with her own hard earn money because my father never gave her money for anything. Not even for us. After 22 years of marriage she decided to call it quits. She's happily married now but still suffers through stints of anxiety actions. Especially when her two other boys look for her only when they need something from her or when its convenient.

So call me a mama's boy because I'll call her everyday. Call me a mama's boy because I think about how she would feel before I get my hands dirty doing something wrong. My mother has suffered a lifetime of grief and it would kill me if I did anything to cause her one more bit of pain. So please call me a mama's boy because that will mean I'm doing something right.

Brotherly Love

I recently moved in with my brothers and I've learned more about them in a course of a month and a half then I've ever known. That's saying a whole hell of a lot for brothers, right? I can sit here and write about how our bond or lack there of is all their fault or our parents fault but I won't. I've never been one to place the blame of my misfortunes on others whether I'm justified in doing so or not. It's a waste of energy and it gets you nowhere at the end of the day. It's easier to forgive then to hold onto a grudge. It's some pointless stress you put on yourself when you blame or hate.

Although we may have little in common there is an elephant in the room that draws us together. I have learned that we are at three different stages in our lives with the woman we love.

I mind my own business and keep to myself when it comes to my two older brothers in order to keep from fighting with them because they are very short tempered but this was one topic I had to at least listen in on. It's a topic I know quite a bit on.

My oldest brother, 30 years old, doesn't live with our other brother and I but he swings by the house from time to time and this is when I get to hear his woman problems through conversations on the phone with her. My oldest brother had a son, my only nephew, with the woman in question and because my brother never got his shit together to provide for his woman and kid she eventually left him. She put up with his ways for two to three years. I can't blame her for leaving but I get very upset at the way she went about her ways after she did. During the time she was with my brother she found confidence in being able to talk to me about their problems and her situation. She would ask me what I would do in that certain situation. You can imagine how I felt being put into a rock and a hard place. From what she told me I could tell she was unhappy and yearning to enjoy her youth while she still had it. I never once told her to leave my brother but I did say that every human being deserves to be happy. If you ever talk to me about any situation your in I'll never judge you because you'll have many people to do that for you. All people need sometimes is someone to listen and understand. That's who I am. Maybe a little too understanding at times. So when my brother's girlfriend left him she began to go clubing. Making up for lost time I guess. And this is where I pull out my red flag and lose all respect for her. She sleeps with another man and tells my brother about it. Not only does she sleep with a another man and tells him about it but does it in the most disrespectful and insensitive way possible. She said and I'm paraphrasing "I'm fucking a black man!". Now he is still trying to win her back or whatever but it saddens me to see him literally begging to take him back. Whether I believe people deserve second chances or not I would like him to forget her but its easier said then done. I know it is. It's painful to hear the conversations because I could hear the hopelessness in his voice and it reminds me all to well of my own hopelessness but he takes it to a whole new level because he goes to her house and watching it all accure first hand. He sulks and basks in the pain. That's where he stands as of now and I keep my silence on how I feel to myself and you.

My other brother, 29 years old, has reached a point in his life where he wants to settle down and have kids with a woman his been off and on with for 6 years. I've learn about his problems through the thin walls of this house. It seems I can expect an agruement between them at least every other day on the phone. She's been to the house a few times but I've only met her once. She seems nice. I'm going to play Dr. Phil here and say there issues lay in defining and accepting the labels of boyfriend and girlfriend and what that entitles. She wants to still be able to go partying with her girlfriends and he feels he can't trust her because he is batting 1 for 3. He has been in 2 other relationships in his life and both girls have cheated on him. His having trouble trusting her. I heard through a friend that this same brother managed to get himself on the Tom Leykis radio show and talk about his situation. From what I know they have recently become a couple and are working towards a bright fortunte... I hope so.

Finally there is me and my love life. What love life!? Haha. Anyone who knows me knows how I love and love hard. It's the main focol point in everything I do. It's something that consumes me. My relationship with my one and only AND I use the term "relationship" loosely as of late, is quite none existent. Somewhere along the course of a year it's become one to forget. Just waiting for the day the flames are reignite.