Fear

It's a saturday night and the formula seems familar. The parties/gigs are "crackin" and I find myself safely at home with my paper and pencil in hand. Wow! would you take a look at that! Sábado Gigante is still on the air. I haven't seen that show in years. Kudos Don Francisco and rock on. With so much to talk about, lets get the ball rolling before I decide to chicken out this blog.

"Having a tough exterior and acting like nothing phases you is more valued than accepting that you're human and that we all fuck up sometimes. (well, a lot of the time)... as i grow older, i'm starting to realize that there is a power in admitting your faults and accepting the fact that it's ok to be an imperfect being (as we all are). sharing yourself with other people and creating relationships that are based on openness and vulnerability is one of the most satisfying feelings.

We are all subject to the human condition. Each and every single one of us. It doesn't take much traveling to realize that we all generally want the same things in terms of our relationships with others and how we want to be treated."

I received a text about a week ago from my one and only that consisted of how her day went and what she was studying at the moment and I was quick to give an apathetic reply. Something along the lines of "that's great". Her reply to my reply was unexpected but I applaud the courage she had to finally speak her mind. What she said in that text really made me think and opened a door into a room I've never had the nerve or strength to explore until now because I had been afraid of what I might find.

Fear-A feeling of agitation and anxiety caused by the presence or imminence of danger

I had no idea that I had been hiding my own insecurities from not only my love one's but MYSELF! Why was I threatened by her successes? In these last couple days I had to look within myself, my past and my fears to find some piece of mind and answers I seeked.

The first scenario I considered was the idea that it might be the machismo she has accused me of having. However that was quickly cancelled out as a possibility when I considered how I've genuinely been happy for the successes of my other female friends. Boy am I relieved I'm not that shallow. I would have sent the human race back about 60yrs.

Why am I not happy for her? Thats the question of the century. I mean it never use to be that way. I remember back in high school I use to be happy for the smallest thing she accomplished.

Then it hit me! The answer lay in the past. Over time fear created a distrust in my ability to not only find love but to sustain it. I didn't feel treatened from her successes in high school because she'd have to see me everyday monday thru friday. It was a controlled environment where I need not fear her leaving me. When I was a little kid I remember always wanting to spend time with my family, the one's I loved but was always shunned away. If they only knew the affect it would have on me for the rest of my childhood I wonder if they would have done anything about it. Besides my mother, everyone that I loved and was suppose to love me left me at an early age. They never showed me that fatherly love or that brotherly love or even that love only our true friends know how to give. I guess I just never wanted her to join the long list of folks who left Christopher Soto to fend for himself. Don't get me wrong I had a loving mother who did all she could to be there for me and without that who knows where I'd be right now. I will forever be in her debt. Many women can give birth but not all can be a mother and I was fortunate to have one.

I've created somewhat of a bond, a LOVE with my significant other that at times seemed like a plateau I'd never reach. When I finally reached it and she told me those three simple words that I longed to hear I became satisfied with that fact and stop doing anything to make our situation better. You know that old saying "if it isn't broke don't fix it". I saw it that way and we began to fall apart. I was scared of losing that which I worked so hard to gain and YOU CAN'T FOLKS. YOU GOT TO RISK! I now see it as "if our relationships with each other don't keep growing they lose meaning and fade away". I think thats what happens to the most of us in our relationships. I'm obvious no philosopher and I'm learning day by day but if I believe in what I have I'll look at my options and do whats best to ensure that I hold on to whats good in my life and in my life she is whats good. Now I don't want anyone who may find themselves in a similar situation to make the mistake I made which was to carry the load all on your shoulders. Remember do all you can but in the end it takes two to tango.

It was tough to have negative things happen to me when I felt I wasn't warrent of that treatment So I had an irrational why of thinking that if I tamper with it and I do something bad in that ceratin situation I could trick myself into believing I deserved what happen to me. That why of thinking wasn't very logical but it help me deal. Why do we blame ourselves for certain things that are out of our hands?

I always wanted to end up with the girl I'm in love with but had my doubts because if history repeated itself like it all to commonly does the person I love would eventually leave me and I saw signs of this happening with her accomplishments. Does this make any sense to any of you? Maybe it only makes sense in this crazy mind of mine. Maybe I was seeing something that wan't really happening. I always wanted her to be the exception, my salvation.

When I think back on how I wasn't happy for her I feel like a GIANT Douche. I've missed out on so much by living in fear. I can't live in fear anymore. Whatever the future brings so be it. I use to hate that I wasn't one of her top priorities but hey I can't blame her for it. She's a warrior, a bright star that needs to shine and I've known this since day one. She has to get her education and career off the floor first and then love and things of that matter will come along after. I have to tell you all and some of you know it already. It was very tough to wait for so long until you think you've reached the point where it was time for the two of you to become something more then just an idea floating in your head and have it not to be. (LONG SENTENCE BUT IT MAKES SENSE) I kinda have to take a backseat to everything again but for her I'd wait as long as it takes because I've never met anyone that fills me with life the way she does.

I say the cornyest shit but I don't mean to! This feeling makes you say somethings you think you never would.

Lets recap my fears shall we?

I'm afraid of losing love or lets just say I'm afraid of being alone. I also have self-image issues and well lets throw in that I fear an enivironment I can't control since I don't like parties much.

What do you fear?

Bye Bye Blog

When I started this blog I worried whether I would be able to keep up with it on a daily bases but I have. Unfortuntely another problem has arose. I've lost the urge to write these blogs. Not the urge to write but the urge to write these blogs. In fact it took much for me to write this one but I told myself I owe it to myself as well as all of you to do so. The last two blogs I've written have, in my mind, lacked the emotional deepness and thoughtfulness I've been showing in other previous blogs. If something loses meaning then whats the point and I've reached that point in "My LAST DAY ON EARTH". I tried to go throw the motions but I just can't right now. So what I'm basically trying to say to those who follow my blogs on a daily bases if there is any is don't expect a blog tomorrow. Maybe not for awhile but who knows. Thank you all for your comments and thoughts. I'll be with you all soon I'm certain.

The only summer I've known

As the last day of summer arrives upon us I can't but remind myself of the summer I had last year. The summer of '07 saw so much change in environment for me. I went from a high school student to a film student in what seemed to be a blink of an eye. Yet thats not what stands out in my mind when I think of that summer.

One night while I surfed the web aimlessly I was surprise by the arrival of a friend I hadn't been talking to for reasons I can't remember because we use to fight often......I guess we still do from time to time. With not much more said then "let's go" I decided on going. Where I was going I had no idea and I don't think my kidnapper did either but I recall being thrilled not knowing where I was going. I can trace back that memory as being the exact moment summer began for me. As soon as I knew it it became a regular thing inbetween film school to take these little advanture to such places as the beach and denny's. There was something out of the ordinary in the ordinary things we did. It was out of the ordinary because it was things other people do but something we had never done until then. That summer I made two new friends through my friend, discovered Tiger Army and managed to almost get my ass arrested for trespassing.

Pink Floyd's "Darkside Of The Moon" became the anthem of our summer and you have not but to play that album in front of us to remind us of that time.

I have always been a sucker for not seeing a good thing when I have it right infront of me. I remember how at the time I wanted so much more then the summer we were having yet it was a summer like I had never had or will have again. There was something special about the mediocre summer we had. It will have a place in my heart for the rest of my life...or at least many summers to come.

Help Wanted America

On an unconventional morning out two unemployed joe's went looking for a job.
Sounds like a beginning of some kind of horrible joke but I promise you its not. My friend and I drove down beverly blvd stopping at any place we ran across that had a "Help Wanted" sign or look like needed help or place we thought we would enjoy working out but unfortunately the bowling alley didn't need our assistant. After rejection upon rejects we decided beggers couldn't be choosers but boy I hadn't been rejected by these many women since I was in house school. We then went from Starbucks to Pizza Hut to the Montebello mall and anything you could think of under the moon, it looks like Mcdonald's is our best shot at being working men.
Finally we return to my buddies house where we bullshitted some while listening to some great jazz from John Coltrane to Chet Barker to Charlie Parker. Explaining to my friend that I really don't feel like writing today but feel I have a dedicated to all of you as well as myself to keep writing and keep growing he should me a poem by Allen Ginsberg that I'd like to leave you with. Enjoy.

The Way We Were

"Its funny how life has a way about her of bringing certain things to you right when you need to stumble upon them...kind of like she's aware of what you need to stumble upon them...kind of like she's aware of what you're ready to be receptive to".

Katie

It's cause I'm not attractive enough isn't it? I'm not fishing really, I'm not. I know I'm attractive.

Sort of...But...I'm not attractive in...I'm not attractive in the right way, am I? I don't have the right style for you, do I?...Be my friend?

Hubbell

No...You don't have the right style

Katie

I'll change

Hubbell

NO! Don't change. Your your own girl. You have your own style

Katie

But then I won't have you. Why can't I have you!? Why!?

Hubbell

Because you push to hard! EVERY DAMN MINUTE! I mean we don't..(laugh) there's no time to just relax and enjoy living. Everything is too serious to be too serious.

Katie

If I push to hard it's because I want things to be better! I want us to be better! I want you to be better. Sure I make waves. I mean you have to. And I'll keep making them until your every wonderful thing you should be and will be! You'll never find anyone as good for you as I am, to believe in you as much as I do or love you as much.

Hubbell

I know that

Katie

Well then Why?

Hubbell

You expect to much

Katie

Well look at what I've got

OMG lol =)

Enough with pointing out my typos people! Thats not what this is all about. Your missing the point. I'm bound to make typos once in a while because I don't proofread. It's what makes my writing my own. Expect a typo before this was all over!

What to write about? ummmm...Ah Yes!

The cursed TEXT MESSAGE. If congress decide one day to pass a law to ban the text message I would be first in line to support it. I see more flaws in it then I see benefits. Like Bobby Boucher mother in the "Waterboy" might of said "THE TEXT MESSAGE IS THE DEVIL!"

Everywhere I go it's like a damn epidemic! People dug deep in there phones punching those buttons until they get calluses or until the cows come home! I wonder and if anyone can give me an answer to this question I'd really appreciate it. What are the text messages for!?
What do we really use them for? To Break-up with someone, to pass time or to short change someone we don't want to talk to. Don't deny that folks! You know it to be true. What's really soooooo important that could not wait or be solved with a simple call. " OMG I saw Tony at BK today and he looked at me lol" ,"what are you doing?", isn't that what most text messages are about? If something isn't worth calling for then it isn't worth texting. I understand sometimes we can't make a call or the person on the receiving end can't talk (which if they can't they shouldn't be texting either!) but that's where we practice patients my good friends. Call them when you get the chance or when they get the chance. I think after a while many of you texts not because you have to but because it's be in your routine. It's like a tick.

Call me old school but there's nothing like hearing the voice of someone or being with someone.
I enjoy being with someone and giving them my complete attention or time because I feel they deserve no less than that. I feel it's very important the time we give each other to grow together as individuals. By texting when your with me your telling me "this text is more important then you or more important then whatever we are doingor talking about". When I look into someone eyes and instead of finding their pair of eyes look back at me I see a blue light reflecting off those eyes I can't help but get upset. It's a slap in the face!

If you all are old enough and most of us are, to recall the time when the text message wasn't available to us. We did mighty fine without it. It's one of those comforts we can do without.
If "TODAY IS MY LAST DAY ON EARTH" do me one last favor as a friend. Next person your alone with put that phone away for whatever time your with them or call the person you were about to text. I trust you won't regret it.

Two Men Apart

I've always been hush hush on this topic. Even with the one's it directly involved but if this blog will have any meaning and inspire anyone, its going to having to be completely 100% me. I can't hold anything back. With that said here is the most important blog I've written thus far.

I had FRIENDS telling me "Dude, how can you compete with him?", "I see why she likes him over you", "His a charming guy". Those things people would say always bugged me when it never should have. I let it bug me because I believied what they were saying. Everyone loved him but me. He cast a very big shadow wherever he went. He had an Ora about himself. He created bonds with people seamlessly where it took me years to gain these same peoples trust and friendships. There's always going to be someone that does something better then you, just hope you never have to come across them.

Was I Jealous of the guy? Yes. You bet I was. I always wanted to bring happiness and joy into peoples lives the way he did because it made me feel worthy of something when I wasn't to happy with myself. To make someone laugh or enjoy themselves was a gift onto itself and all I had going for me. The minute he showed up he took that away from me. For lack of a better way of saying it, he stole my thunder. Now if this isn't reason enough to be bitter towards someone let me do you one better.

He nearly stole what I believed to be my only shot at TRUE happiness. To this day I can recall the day they first met. After all I was there. I can trace all the bad to this day. Believe it or not it was around that time that I build up enough courage to finally tell her how I felt about her because up to that point she didn't know. In a clear example that I always found myself at the wrong place at the wrong time, they fell in love and I bit my lip. I didn't want to get in the way of things. I just hoped against hope that it blew over just like the other guys that came and went but he became the man to her that I dreams of one day being. It wouldn't have hit me as hard as it did if I wasn't around for all of it but I was. It was so tough not to be angry and lash out because I had no right to...but at the same time I had every right to.

There's nothing worse then seeing the one you love loving someone else.

It fucks with your head when you look at this guy and you tell yourself that that was suppose to be you with her, that was suppose to be your moment. For the longest everyone wondered why I was always down and I'd come up with some bullshit answers to stop the questioning. I tried my best for soooo long to grin and bare but I finally reached rock bottom and I couldn't be around them anymore. It got so bad that the anticipation of seeing them together was enough to send me reeling. It tore me apart.

But to my credit, to avoid problems I never said a word. How could I? It was never my place or time to say anything. What sealed my silence was watching him making the woman I love happy and if I found comfort in anything it was in that fact. I couldn't tamper with that. I couldn't tarnish that for her. In the end the only thing I truly wanted was for her to be happy whether that be with me or not. I never treated him bad or bad mouthed him. How could I? Can I really blame him for all that happened? He wasn't deliberately intentionally hurting me. He was crushing my world without a single notion that he was. We all just happen to be victims of circumstance.

When I see him I'm reminded of a time where I felt lost and replaced. When I see him all the pain, all that suffering, all the grief I held onto for so long comes back. When I see him the feeling comes over me that's not welcoming, all that history and all those negative emotions I once felt resurfaces. The sound of his name is like the middle finger pointed at me and calling me a failure. His trumphs had always been my failures and who wants to be reminded of that?

If "TODAY IS MY LAST DAY ON EARTH" I want whoever may go through a rough time in life to know that there's a justification for you going through that certain experience, those emotions. "What doesn't kill us makes us who we are".

Politcs & Fortune

Someone told me yesterday that these blogs seem too melodramatic. It is what it is! Maybe I'm just a melodramatic kind of guy.

The sun is shining through the window that sits next to me. It looks like its going to be a beautiful day out. I hope you all are having a great day and making the best of these moments we can't have back.

I can't stop but think about the direction our nation is going into. Its impossible for me to turn my head from it. ITS EVERYWHERE! Which ever man wins ,whether it be Senator Barrack Obama or John McCain, I hope they can lift us from this disaster we've been living under for the past 8 years. Thats about as long as I've known the women I'm in love with, thats about as long as I've known most of the friends I still keep in touch with, thats the major part of my childhood!

Is it just me or has this years presidental election slowly turned into more about the candidate's race and gender then the issues? I first saw this developing with Hilary Clinton and Barrack Obama and now in a chess move to win the votes Barrack lost by not picking Hilary as his vice president, John McCain picks Sarah Palin as his running mate. I mean COME ON!!!!

YES! I found someone who agrees with me! Good old Matt Damon. Check it out

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=anxkrm9uEJk

Now thats enough about politics. Thinking too much about it gives me headaches as I bet it does you.

I am dumbfounded when I think of how lucky I am to have met someone that truely makes me happy in every sense of the word like she does. With her being her I am happy. The only thing that comes to mind that can compare to the feeling she fills me with every single time I lay eyes on her is when a father or mother gazes down at their child for the first time. That sense of filling complete in that moment is what I feel. I can never get use to the sight of her even after short periods of being away from her. I DAMN WELL FEEL LIKE THE LUCKEST MAN IN THE WORLD AND YOU CAN'T CONVINCE ME OTHERWISE. To ask me to do that is like asking me to accept I'll be here tomorrow. Thats not promised. Tomorrow isn't promised. I'll give her my complete love each and every single time because I'd hate to say "I held back". I got to tell you guys, you can't feel any better or be anymore prepare to face what the future brings knowing there's someone who will be there to face it with you. The other night she fell asleep in my arms and I felt so privileged to see her beauty at its simplest. Its simple but important times like those that the question comes to me "What have I done to be this lucky?" She felt comfortable enough with me to fall asleep in my arms. Its little presents she gives me like that that I don't take for granted and see as development into what I would one day love to call my own. If "TODAY IS MY LAST DAY ON EARTH" I want you all to love and let be loved.

Waste Some Time With Me

I dislike routines although it is often seen as a sign of being responsible. To me its a sign of getting old. I'd like to be freewheelin'. I'd like to stay young for as long as I can pull it off. This blog is the only rountine I keep and look forward to. I can't get my mind off of this blog much like many new things we get and don't seem to want to put down. Its been like an itch all day to write this!

How much time do we waste?

Someone once posed this question to me and I think about it often. Makes me feel guilty when I'm not being productive with my time but what about the times we can't control it? I spent about 20mins in the line at the bank today and about 2hours in the DMV. Now thats a good amount of time in my life I can't have back. If "Today Is My Last Day On Earth" I would want that time back? All those times I sat in traffic or in front of the evil TUBE we call television. If we could do some form of calculations on time we've unwillingly wasted, it would be a big amount and if we through in the time we wasted knowingly, well that wouldn't be too pretty.

The time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time

TOO MUCH NOISE IN THIS HOUSE IS CLOUDING MY THINKING!!!!! I can't think straight!
THIS IS THE WORST BLOG I'VE EVER WRITTEN unhappy with my results and losing the drive to write for the night I say if "TODAY IS MY LAST DAY ON EARTH" I saw her smile one last time.

Nervous Breakdowns and Unrequited Love

For the past two days i've had major moment of nervous and mental breakdowns. Its so intense and nothing like i've ever felt. The minutes feel like hours. Its unbearable and i can't stand being in my own skin. I get hot flashes, can't breath, chills and I start sobbing uncontrollably. I rarely get sick but on this one I'm scared for my health. I'd like to see what wikipedia has to offer me as a diagnosis.

Panic attacks are sudden, discrete periods of intense anxiety, mounting physiological arousal, fear, stomach problems and discomfort that are associated with a variety of somatic and cognitive symptoms.

Futhermore; many who experience a panic attack for the first time fear they are having a heart attack or a nervous breakdown

Now that I think of it. I may being suffering from the follow symptoms:

chronic and unresolved grief
unemployment
chronic insomnia and other sleep disorders
Unrequited Love

I enjoy how one thing can lead to another and i think i hit the holy grail with Unrequited Love. Now most of these blogs are destine to be about love in one from or another because I find nothing in life to be far more important.

Unrequited love - Unrequited love is love that is not openly reciprocated, even though reciprocation is usually deeply desired. This can lead to feelings such as depression, low self-esteem, anxiety, and rapid mood swings between depression and euphoria.

A.E. Housman wrote a poem inspired by his life-long unrequited love for his best friend Moses Jackson thats worth taking a peak at:

He would not stay for me, and who can wonder?
He would not stay for me to stand and gaze.
I shook his hand and tore my heart in sunder
And went with half my life about my ways

Now that poem makes me think quite a bit on my situation because its very similar. Am I doomed to live the rest of my life loving someone that can't love me the way I love them? Geezs I hope not.

If "TODAY IS MY LAST DAY ON EARTH" I leave you with a verse from Carl Sandburg poem "Little Word, Little white bird". "Love, can it hit one without hitting two and leave the one lost and groping?"

Introduction

Greg Attonito, lead singer of The Bouncing Souls began writing a blog about a week ago that had me coming back for more everyday. In his blog he held nothing back in letting those who would listen know about himself. I have decide to do the same. I'll keep the name "Today Is My Last Day On Earth" as a homage to and appreciation to the courage his given me to write my very inner thoughts. The title will also be a daily reminder to live and write as if "Today Is My Last Day On Earth". I would like to apologize in advice if any feelings become hurt through out this experience I'm creating for myself. Feeling getting hurt is not my intentions. I expect a rollercoaster of emotions coming from you as well as I with the things I say but understand that these are MY THOUGHTS on myself and my peers and are not neccessary FACT but my perspective on things. The expression "many things should be left unsaid" hovers around my brain and has me second guessing myself on doing this but I will carry on. I'm excited to see how this transforms me if at all , how many times I'll contradict myself and how my view on things could change from day to day, month to month and if I dare say year to year if "Today Is not in fact My Last Day On Earth". I wish us both luck on this and I'll leave the introduction with some words Greg wrote in his introduction that still resonates in my soul and is exactly what I've attempted to do in my short time here. "Life has been a constant battle to break down the walls that confine me in my own solitude and to open up new pathways of understanding in myself and somehow catapult it out there in the darkness to the hearts of others.