Comparing Scar: War Within Himself

This blog was started months ago as will be evident by the date it will claim to be posted on but I finish it on July 9, 2009.

My father turned 18 years old in basic training and soon found himself fighting a war he knew little about. Up to a few weeks ago all I knew about my father serving in the Vietnam War was just that. I always had questions about the war but I resisted asking him because I was afraid of opening up old wounds. My father plans on retiring to mexico by the end of the year and I realized I know little if nothing about his life. That gave me the motivation to ask questions because if I'm ever blessed with kids I want to be able to tell them something about their grandfather, for good or for bad.

War can leave even the toughest of men scared and I don't believe my father to be exempt. He witness a friend of his being blown to pieces not 40ft from where he stood by a vietnamese child who offered him a box of what he believed to be candy. It reminded me of an incident that accured out infront of the home where I use to live on Cesar Chavez st. a couple months back in april. It was late night when I step out to get something out of my car when I noticed this elderly man covered in clothes from head to toe with a shopping cart. I guess the reason he caught my eye was because he was with a dog who kept barking at my dogs. In the time it took me to from my car to the front door the man gets run over as he attempted to cross the street. For those who aren't familar with the street and where I use to live. It is wide with no street light on either side so you would have to be very careful to across. The van that hit him didn't see him at all because it didn't even attempt to stop. I saw a man toss through the air, cart and all, like he was a rag doll and the thud I heard still resonates in my memory more than any visual of that day. I immedately called 911 as he lay there lifelessly. His dog managed to get out of the way and survive until the next day where I recognized the road kill on the street as the same dog. Don't know if the man made it that night but it goes to show how a life can be taken instantly. One minute this guy is walking and breathing right next to me and the next his...

My father got the crabs four times while he was in nam. He told of wild unbelievable stories of vietnamese prositutes sticking razors in there vagina to injure the troops. None of this scared him away from fucking like a jack rabbit. You try telling a 18 year old not to fuck when sex and drugs are available at any given time. Anything to get your mind off of the reason your there. He told me of a fellow he met who got hooked on drugs and years later ran into him in his own home country of Mexico dealing drugs. My father has a past of dealing drugs as well and as recent as 5 years ago. I don't know how he got into it but I know he got out of it because he was getting pressured by a local gang to give them a percentage of his profit. He will tell you he quit out of his own free will but from what my brothers say, not so. He put us at risk by saleing his junk straight out of our own home and had us running into junkies as we came and left. It's something my brothers haven't forgave him for.

When I asked if he had killed anyone during the war I got a silence that said it all and I left it alone. I try not to paint my father as a bad guy but the facts speak for themselves. I struggle with forgiveness for what his done to his family. I forgive because war can cripple a man and at the same time I don't because it's been 40years since that time and he hasn't man up to his responsablities as a father. He has three boys who are not right. One has struggled with suicide, another is seeing a therapist and the other can't figure out why he can't make close relationships. Can you guess which I am?

I'm was told today that I was conceive by a rape. How do you think that makes me feel? You can't begin to know how that makes me feel. I knew I wasn't conceived out of love and that is already a huge burden to carry but rape is a whole different thing. Rape has surround my life and my family. It's something that hurts me as bad as it has hurt them. They can't understand how that is and its so because for someone to hurt someone else you love to death is hard to live with. You feel as much as you want to protect them you can't, your defenseless. I wake up some nights just thinking about it and its the number one cause of my meloncoly. And now this!? I myself am a cause of a rape. I might as well be a bastard child. My father wanted my mom not to have me but here I am for better or worst still trying to find out what love really is.

I leave you with footage not of the entertaining value. I want you to see and experience for at least a minute or two of what my father and so many others experience and which are cemented in their brains. Remember that they fought two wars, the vietnam war and their own.

A Juxtapose of Emotional Rhetoric

There has to be something wrong with me. Christmas is coming but I'm not happy. I don't feel how I'm suppose to feel.




It strange how happy it makes me to see how unhappy Charlie Brown is on Christmas. It makes me feel like I'm not alone. You know what I mean? Yeah I bet I sound crazy, right? Finding comfort with a melancholy cartoon boy. Things can change over the years but Charlie Brown will always be sad on christmas and that makes me happy.

Last week I went to El Mercadito to sing las mananitas a la virgen de guadalupe. It was just as I remember it from the previous year with one small difference. I was alone. Last year my brothers and I went together like one big happy family. I remember feeling happy that we were together because up to that point I couldn't remember the last time we were somewhere together. It's a rarity. To stress how rare that is, well we haven't done something like it since. It was something that instantly put me in a great mood. A year later I found myself alone. It was so symbolic that I would find myself alone. I'd like to think that I don't ask for much and maybe what I do ask for is too much. It's times like these that I'm remember of a lyric in a flaming lips song: "Our lives are strangely our own".



Today I got a call from a guy named Pedro I worked with during the filming of Seven Pounds. It happened that today I had been having a feeling of worthlessness and his call made all the difference in changing my mindset. Just when I was feeling like I've become a ghost in my own life and lives of others, this happens. We spoke about the then and the now. My medicine wasn't in what he said but the act of calling me. It made me see the positive influence I had in someone's life. Hollywood has alot of two-faced people and knowing nothing about that I came to the set of Seven Pounds with the greatest attitude and was simply being myself. I felt they saw that. They saw that I was being genuine and they were drawn to that. As I've said before and I'll say again I enjoy making someone smile, laugh, making them happy. It's a pleasure comedians feel when someone laughs at their jokes. To go further into that I also like to stay away from my friends when I know I'm not capable of being that person. I don't want to be a drag to be around and recently thats who I've become. I despise it! It makes me even more sad when I realize I'm being that person. It's not like I mean to either. When Pedro called he made me think of that person I was and where his gone because his been MIA for a long time. It would be easy for me to diagnosis myself with depression but I don't think I'm sad enough to be depression. I'm just in a stage where I see the world and those around me moving on and I need to adjust to it to see where I fit. I've become this shadow of a man. I miss the old me and wish to have him back someday because I can think of one other person who misses him to.

"I am still determined to be cheerful and happy, in whatever situation I may be; for I have also learned from experience that the greater part of our happiness or misery depends upon our dispositions, and not upon our circumstances." -Martha Washington

It was just about a year ago where everything came together. A year gone and it seems I've lost what I love the most. Yet I hold no remorse and understand that things have to be this way. I've finally understand that if you love something let it go. If it comes back to you, it was meant to be. True love knows no limitations. We give ourselves these limitations. It makes me so very happy that I don't look back in anger when I think of where I have come with my partner. I tend to think of where we've been and whenever I think back on us the first thing that comes to my mind are the great times we've had and I smile. To me thats a sign that we did something right along the way. It makes me so very happy that I at least had last year with that one person. My favorite part of 2007, my favorite Christmas, my favorite memory, the best time in my whole life.

From this point on I speak to one person and one person only. This is where the blog ends for the rest of you. Since I have no way of finding out if you read beyond this point I can only hope you all respect my wishes and don't. Thank you.

It's snowing in Arkansas right now. I know how you wanted to see snow in Arkansas last year and we weren't treated to it but hey we did run into it in Texas remember? Damn that was one chilling night.There were quite a few accidents during that night ride. I know how scared you were about something happening to us on that bus ride so I didn't want to bug you with it. You look so peaceful sleeping there that I couldn't imagine waking you. I also saw these two dudes who sat next to us making out in the dark. Now what was wrong about that was that one guy was old enough to be the other one's father! We also saw snow on our way back in New Mexico, remember?. We would have been home sooner if we didn't run into that traffic. I recall that by then you were so home sick you were counting the miles to Los Angeles.

How long did it take us to get to arkansas? We left on the 22nd didn't we? I know we were suppose to get there in like a day but because of that flat tire we got in the middle of nowhere plans changed but wasn't it interesting meeting that one dude from minnesota? The stories he shared about his childhood and family were priceless.

On the bus drive through Oklahoma we shared what I believe to be a pivotal moment in our trip and our relationship. I've mention this moment to you once before but you don't seem to recall. I've mentioned it but never gone into detail about it until now. We were going through your IPOD when you put on "Luz De Dia" by Enanitos Verdes. I may be looking too much into it but I had a feeling that you were speaking to me indirectly through that song. The moment I heard the lyrics "Ya no pienses mas en nuestro pasado hagamos que choquen nuestar copas por habernos encontrado" I felt this feeling come over me, this emotional release. I felt a weight was lifted as I lay there, my head in your lap. The feeling was comparable to the first time you told me you loved me. It was one of those moments that struck a nerve with me and one I haven't forget almost a year to the day it happened. In my mind it's the song that captures and sums up our trip even more than the gazillion Bob Dylan songs we heard and sang on our way home.

I finally figured out cruise control with my Bessie!

I had the best time doing the simplest things like watching movies with you all day because it was with you. It goes to show it's not what you do but who you do it with that makes something worthwhile. There was never a dull moment for me in our trip. I could have spent the rest of my life with you on this neverending trip. I can't explain in words how happy I felt that I had you to my own even if only for a couple days. The idea that life with you can be the way it was for those few days makes living in this fucked up world worthwhile.

Don't think it's ever escaped my mind the sacrifices you made to spend that christmas with me. You gave up christmas with your family and that was the single greatest gift anyone has given me. If I had any doubts or wondered how much you loved me I found out then. For those few days I know what happiness was. I know it sound like a cliché but I mean it from the bottom of my heart. Nothing in my life has had more significance to me then those days. I've come to a sad realization that we can't choose who we fall in love with and I want to thank you for trying to love me the way I love you even though you don't love me that way. That makes me very sad because whether it's true or not I feel like the biggest reject, incapable of a woman's love. I gave you my all and it wasn't good enough. That's something I accept with much sorrow. No one will ever fill the void you leave in my heart and whether you believe me or not I say it with the deepest sincerity. I can never love someone the way I love you because that love will always be reserved for you until the day I die. You were meant for me and no one will ever love you the way I do. You merely have to look into my eyes to know that every word I say is true.



We'll always have arkansas.

Comparing Scar: A Lifetime of Grief

I was raised by a single parent, my mother. I've been called a mama's boy more times then you can imagine. In middle school anytime someone said anything inappropriate about her I'd kick there ass. She loves me unconditionally much like parents do and I understood that I had to do my part to keep that love stronger than ever. It's wasn't like I would ever lose a mother's love but I tried to exiled in everything I do to show her my gratitude. What better way to show her I love her, right? There was one time in my life where I felt like I let her down and I swore I would never do that ever again and to this day I think I've kept true to that.

Lately I have been digging into my families past, asking questions and what not. I felt I needed to know my own family and way it is how it is. In the case of my mother I found a lifetime of sorrow, sadness, regret and anything else you can think of. I found a woman who through her fate gain strength to carry on in a world that hasn't been kind to her. You look at her and you wouldn't know it. She hides the pain behind a strong sense of humor much in the way I do, only that she doesn't it better than I could ever do.

My mother and her brother were molested as children by their father and unless someone you love more than anything in this world went through something like this, you can't begin to comprehend my pain or there's. It's worst then death! To cause pain to an innocent, defenseless child kills me. Yes it didn't happen to me personally but it might as well have. That's how bad it makes me feel. I knew little about my uncle because he passed away when I was a new born. I believe the story goes that he held me as a new born and a week later he died. My mother welcomed her last son and buried her closest brother around the same time. Through the years I found out that my late uncle and mother had the closest bond out of all 10 children my grandma and grandpa had. It wasn't until recent that I begun to understand why that bond was made. They shared in a grief and if I'm consoled by anything it's that they had each other through the tragedy. My uncle kept this hidden from his family and took it to his grave. It's something my mother plans on doing as well. My mother never told anyone in the family because she didn't want to ruin it. It would have killed her mother and who knows what domino's would have fallen. I could never understand how someone can protect the person that has cause them so much pain. These people must pay for what they do. What runs through someones mind when they choose to take part in such a horrific act? Do they know the harm there causing their victim? Some never recover from it and those who do never really do. It makes me give up hope in humanity when I find out that people are capable of this. Not only this but much worse if there is anything worse.

When I found out that this had happen to her on more then one occasion I went through a stint of depression. There were days (and there still are when I'm reminded) were I can't function properly. To this day I have my days were I try to drown it away by booze or sleep. In my mind I can only hope tomorrow brings better things and a bad memory but unfortunately that's not how it works. It's literately the first thing I would think the next morning. It's what nightmares are really made of. I'll look at her smile and carry on in only the way she can and I think about how much shes masking, how much she's holding in. As a loved one all you want to do is protect them from harm. It made me feel hopeless that even with your strongest convictions you can't always protect the one's you love. You can't be there every hour of every day.

When she was old enough to leave the house she did. She found an escape in my father. She was drawn by what my father claim to represent and I use the would claim because she would later find out that it wasn't who he really was. My mother told me she never loved my father. She respected him but never loved him. They had three kids. None out of love. Most of us weren't planned pregnancy's and those of you who were, great! You are the selected few. What I'm trying to say is most of us weren't planned but at least a major portion if not all are conceived out of love. Now let me repeat my mother never love my dad. You don't know how much it fucks with my head that someone like myself who yearns so much for one persons love wasn't even made out of love but in spite of it. To me that worse then knowing you were an accident.

My father cheated on my mother with her own sister while she was pregnant with my other brother. Yet she took him back. Everything she owned she bought with her own hard earn money because my father never gave her money for anything. Not even for us. After 22 years of marriage she decided to call it quits. She's happily married now but still suffers through stints of anxiety actions. Especially when her two other boys look for her only when they need something from her or when its convenient.

So call me a mama's boy because I'll call her everyday. Call me a mama's boy because I think about how she would feel before I get my hands dirty doing something wrong. My mother has suffered a lifetime of grief and it would kill me if I did anything to cause her one more bit of pain. So please call me a mama's boy because that will mean I'm doing something right.

Brotherly Love

I recently moved in with my brothers and I've learned more about them in a course of a month and a half then I've ever known. That's saying a whole hell of a lot for brothers, right? I can sit here and write about how our bond or lack there of is all their fault or our parents fault but I won't. I've never been one to place the blame of my misfortunes on others whether I'm justified in doing so or not. It's a waste of energy and it gets you nowhere at the end of the day. It's easier to forgive then to hold onto a grudge. It's some pointless stress you put on yourself when you blame or hate.

Although we may have little in common there is an elephant in the room that draws us together. I have learned that we are at three different stages in our lives with the woman we love.

I mind my own business and keep to myself when it comes to my two older brothers in order to keep from fighting with them because they are very short tempered but this was one topic I had to at least listen in on. It's a topic I know quite a bit on.

My oldest brother, 30 years old, doesn't live with our other brother and I but he swings by the house from time to time and this is when I get to hear his woman problems through conversations on the phone with her. My oldest brother had a son, my only nephew, with the woman in question and because my brother never got his shit together to provide for his woman and kid she eventually left him. She put up with his ways for two to three years. I can't blame her for leaving but I get very upset at the way she went about her ways after she did. During the time she was with my brother she found confidence in being able to talk to me about their problems and her situation. She would ask me what I would do in that certain situation. You can imagine how I felt being put into a rock and a hard place. From what she told me I could tell she was unhappy and yearning to enjoy her youth while she still had it. I never once told her to leave my brother but I did say that every human being deserves to be happy. If you ever talk to me about any situation your in I'll never judge you because you'll have many people to do that for you. All people need sometimes is someone to listen and understand. That's who I am. Maybe a little too understanding at times. So when my brother's girlfriend left him she began to go clubing. Making up for lost time I guess. And this is where I pull out my red flag and lose all respect for her. She sleeps with another man and tells my brother about it. Not only does she sleep with a another man and tells him about it but does it in the most disrespectful and insensitive way possible. She said and I'm paraphrasing "I'm fucking a black man!". Now he is still trying to win her back or whatever but it saddens me to see him literally begging to take him back. Whether I believe people deserve second chances or not I would like him to forget her but its easier said then done. I know it is. It's painful to hear the conversations because I could hear the hopelessness in his voice and it reminds me all to well of my own hopelessness but he takes it to a whole new level because he goes to her house and watching it all accure first hand. He sulks and basks in the pain. That's where he stands as of now and I keep my silence on how I feel to myself and you.

My other brother, 29 years old, has reached a point in his life where he wants to settle down and have kids with a woman his been off and on with for 6 years. I've learn about his problems through the thin walls of this house. It seems I can expect an agruement between them at least every other day on the phone. She's been to the house a few times but I've only met her once. She seems nice. I'm going to play Dr. Phil here and say there issues lay in defining and accepting the labels of boyfriend and girlfriend and what that entitles. She wants to still be able to go partying with her girlfriends and he feels he can't trust her because he is batting 1 for 3. He has been in 2 other relationships in his life and both girls have cheated on him. His having trouble trusting her. I heard through a friend that this same brother managed to get himself on the Tom Leykis radio show and talk about his situation. From what I know they have recently become a couple and are working towards a bright fortunte... I hope so.

Finally there is me and my love life. What love life!? Haha. Anyone who knows me knows how I love and love hard. It's the main focol point in everything I do. It's something that consumes me. My relationship with my one and only AND I use the term "relationship" loosely as of late, is quite none existent. Somewhere along the course of a year it's become one to forget. Just waiting for the day the flames are reignite.

Bouncing Souls

The Bouncing Souls. Their music will never reach the MTV masses, win any music awards and they won't be playing on KROQ any time soon but they wouldn't have it any other way. It's never been about the money or fame for this foursome from New Brunswick, New Jersey. Chances are you first heard about them through my T-shirts and my constant play of there songs. On the surface there nothing more than a mediocre punk band at best. I'm very hesitant to call them a punk band or label them as anything else because I feel it would be doing them a great injustice. How's the saying go? "Once you label me you neglected me". Once you dig deeper into there sound I sure you'll find much more then at first glance.

They mean so much too me as they do so many others for very selfish reasons. In middle school I was the guy who had alot of friends but never had that one best friend you go to when you needed them. For a long time I needed someone to give me advice or to tell me everything was going to be alright when it was going bad. Then I discovered the bouncing souls through a friend.
I remember them being what I was looking for. That Friend! I instantly fell in love with them and was shocked that no one I knew really knew who they were. I fault like I knew a secret to a better life that no one else did. They saved me and without this band I don't know were I would be. They were a big help in shaping the way I think and who I am. There music spoke about what I believed to be the essential's of life, things I longed for. Whether it be music, books or movies I never found someone or something that felt a 100% like I did. You know we all say "NO ONE UNDESTAND ME", well these guys did! I fell out of favor of many musicians who sang love songs and about feeling bad. It's the formula for many artist.Who doesn't enjoy love songs but thats not all it should be about. The Bouncing Souls sing about not only relationships but friendships and finding oneself. Real heart felt issues that frankly many bands don't talk about.

Good music is good music. And what makes good music good music? Everyone has there own opinion on that. Great music in my opinion is any that moves you emotionally. Really strikes a nerve. Music that can make you feel happy, sad, bitter, relieved, a wide spread of emotions.

I can still go to this friend when I'm having a bad time. I press play and I'm good again. I don't take that for granted and I thank the band everytime I see them. That's why I love the Bouncing Souls and this friday night I'll be watching them live with some friends because thats what it should all really be about. Having a good time with your friends and love one's. When your at a bouncing souls show everyone is friendly. It's like we're all one big happy family and if I every become to preachy about them to you it's because I want you to feel the way I do. I'd like to share a big part of who I am and do when I tell you to listen to the bouncing souls.

"I can't wait for the bouncing souls. I'm not able to drink my miseries away but I know for 2 hours friday, I won't have a care in the world"



" The bouncing souls are that feeling you walk away with after a show, when your just inspired"

7 Pounds: Met Some People Along The Way

The best part of the whole experience of working on set of 7 Pounds was the people I met. Someone told me that I was spoiled on this production because everyone was so nice and the crew usually isn't. Besides the production team, the first group of people I got to become really cool with were the caterers. I had no chose. I was the first face they saw delivering breakfast and lunch orders everyday. It also helped that they were all mexican. They made me feel right at home.



Then came Ray and Damon. They were the craft service folks which are the people who serve all kinds of treats like fruit, yogurts, cake and that kind of stuff between breakfast and lunch and even after that. Damon and I developed quite the friendship even though we were quite the odd couple. He was black and I was brown, he was in his thirties and married and I was in my late teens as single as they come. It was in conversation about life's real important issues that we realization our differences were only in age and race. He once refered to me as "A young brotha with an old soul" and I found this depiction of me to be most interesting. One that instantly became cemented in my brain and I have a very bad memory. I'll never forget it. Before you knew it he was calling me his little buddy and I was calling him D. He had my back whenever I needed him and put a good word in for me whenever he could. When the day was getting long or hectic for either one of us he would call on me to sing the opening verses of Al Green's song "Tired of Being Alone" and we felt instantly relieved. We felt better. He found it funny how a 19 year old kid from East L.A. knew Al Green.



On set I had my share of nicknames. One was "Pastel" by the head chef Oscar and translated it literally means cake but in spanish it can also mean slow or dumb. When he called me that he didn't mean it as an insult. In our culture an insult is sometimes a sign of friendship as it was in this case. I was also given the nickname little Chris by transportation driver Carlos. It's a play on the name of rapper ludacris and also as well as my height. Carlos was also a cool cat. I'd ride with him at least once a day to set or basecamp so you know we had to get to know each other. It took me awhile to get around his name. Why you ask? Because it was Carlos and he was a black man from detroit. Some of the convrsation we would have were outrageous by our standards but not Carlos's. He would tell me about all the young women he had slept with and continues to even at the age of 50. I guess it's true that your only as old as you feel. He would give me advice and techniques to please a woman sexually. I mean no topic was too much for this guy. Damon and Carlos more than anyone else saw something in me that maybe I don't see in myself. If they didn't they wouldn't have bothered fathering me as they did. They gave me advice on life that only a person experienced would know. I told them how I see things and live life. Maybe they saw that I had my head on straight. That I was a good person but who knows. I feel like right now me being a good person doesn't account for shit! But thats another story for another blog. I've always been able to get along and communcate much better with older people and strangers then my peers. I feel I have nothing to lose because I don't and in the end I'm glad I've made those connections every single time.

When Paul's cousin was in town and worked as a PA with us for the time she did, he often had her work beside me so you know I was force to get to know her. She was this real white german gal with red her and a deep accent so you canimagine how I resisted at first. What would we talk about!? While she was here I learned to speak some german and more about German culture as it stand today then I think you ever knew. We got along better than I expected and Paul saw this. He told me that she once showed up very late to his home one night when she hadn't met anyone but the crew of 7 Pounds. He thought it was I who dropped her off that night. He thinks I had sex with her that night but not only did I not but I wasn't the one who dropped her off that night. He would tease me about having my way with his cousin almost daily while she was here. Towards the end of production when I thought he had forgotten about it and laid the idea to rest, he told me about an e-mail he received from her to tell him how she was doing and to say hi to everyone for her. He also said my name was the only one she mentioned so to this day he thinks I had sex with his german cousin.

The people who I remember most were not just the one's I dealt with on a daily bases. Actually two of them who were there for one day had a profounding affect on me. One day the production called for senior citizens as extras. Many of which were unable to travel to or from set without assistance. Watching these 70 plus geezers really planted the seed in my head that if I don't take care of my health now, I'll pay for it later. But then again who wants to live that long? It was on this day that I met Inez. I'm not sure if Inez was her real name or the character in the films name. She's the old woman Will's character visits in the hospital. In between takes they would tend to Inez's legs because they were bleeding very badly. I'm not sure what she had but it wasn't pretty to look at. They would tape her legs up and never having seen anything quite like it my eyes were glued. It was given orders to help Inez with whatever she needed and I did. She was so genuinely grateful to me for all my help that it became my honor to help her. We spent most of the day together, her 87 and I 19. She even joked "that's a ways apart". I simply replied with "Were the same age in spirit."

On the night we were shooting in the L.A. TIMES building in downtown I met Brooke. She was one of those Rent-A-Cop's who happened to be stationed were I was. We struck up a conversation that lasted hours. We spoke about our dreams and aspirations for most of those hours. She had quite the interesting story. She lived in detroit and had a vision of coming to los angeles to persue her dream of starting up an organization I forget what about. She had just enough money to come to los angeles and as soon as she got here she lived on the street up until she got the Rent-A-Cop gig. She now has her own place and last time I spoke with her she was going to have a big meeting with an executive. I hope it went well. On the night we met she told me something about myself that I didn't know. So much so that it gave me chills and struck a nerve. She looked into my eyes and ,I'll never forget this, said "I CAN TELL YOU'VE GIVEN ALOT MORE THAN YOU COULD, GOING OUT OF YOUR WAY FOR EVERY AND ANYONE AND NO ONE HAS STOPPED TO GIVE YOU A GENUINE THANK YOU. SO I WILL" She paused and said with the deepest sincerity "THANK YOU". Now its important that you know she told me this early on in the conversation before she knew anything about me. With that speech a weight was lifted off my shoulders. I can't explain it but she spoke volumes with that sentence. I never realized how I gave and gave and gave to people in hopes of getting a genuine thank you and not just a thank you because it's the thing to say. You know what I mean? I can't tell you enough how I needed to her that even if it came from a stranger. It's like someone sent her to me that night.

It's a beautiful thing when I look back at the memories I've created with all these different men and women, young, old, black, white, yellow, brown, american, german. In the end I realize none of it was a barrier for us and I'd like to think they'll remember me as I do them.

7 Pounds: The Love Letter

While working on 7 Pounds Catlin might have made a mistake in given me a pocket notepad. If you know me well you know that a blank sheet of paper is a green light for me to write the thoughts that consume me. In the 7 Pounds series of blogs I've been writing I found this notepad. Along with orders for scrambled Egg whites and turkey sausages I found an interesting bit of writing. There's a letter I wrote to someone, "The One" if you will, which I never delievered. I didn't have the courage or confidents at the time to give it to her and the price of rejections was too high. Rejection that would have taken sometime to recover from if at all. Now! If today is my last day on earth I wouldn't be satisfied if this bit of writing stayed hidden. I feel like sharing it. I find it to be a beautiful piece of writing that could only come to those who truely feel that way. There's no bullshiting around love! My heart would smile in knowing that any of you have received one or even written one like so. I've wriiten many like it before and I can't tell you how this one stands above the rest. It happens to be the most recent one I've written and I wrote it 4 months ago. I don't think I could write anything like it at this point in my life. I resist the urge to feel this way or to write about it now because it would hurt too much. I recall writing how in love I may be and how a person makes me feel but at the end of the day it's all for not if that person doesn't feel the same. That's what hurts. This piece of writing is a great example of who I was then, how I felt....and well how that feeling hasn't much changed.

When you asked me the question would I give up my dream of filmmaking for you I was quick to say I would. To be honest the question ran through my head many time before you asked it. I stand by it. That's an example of how I could defend it being love and nothing else. You would never put me in that position. You would never give me an ultimatum. A person can have whatever they want but if they don't have anyone to share it with then what is it really worth? I have my own example of happiness and it goes by the name &$!%@. You make me happy to be alive darling. I could have the shittest job, no friends but if I came home to you every night I'd feel completely blessed because as confusing, fucked up and unclear life can be, I look or think of you and everything makes sense. How can I know? How can I be so sure? I don't know. I can't be 100% sure but its something I wouldn't be ashamed to say I was wrong about. The risk of not trying is far greater. You are my happiness and anything less would be a disappointment. It's been a week and I miss you already. Not a day goes by in which you don't run through my head. Understand this one thing if only this one thing: Whatever I do, whatever life brings would be worth doing as long as it's with you. I see the successes, the failures, the battles, the experiences, the ups and downs in our future and can't imagine us facing them without each other. I want to be there for the day you graduate law school prouder then your closest family members. I want to be there to travel miles through state lines because you need me to. I want to be there for the birth of our child. How wonderful would it be if two people could find comfort, acceptance, in their tragedies with each other? Two people bonded in giving life a meaning and maybe realizing along the way that the answers they seeked were in each other the whole time. It's become more then just a nice idea of mine, it's become possibility since I've met you. It's a curious thing mi amor to not see you for a period of time and being anxious to see how beautiful you are as if I've forgotten. You still have the ability to make my knees buckle like the first time I told you I loved you. I also worry that you might not be the same person I fell in love with but once you smile back at me it's like a whole weight is lifted. The skies clear up and nothing else matters. If only we could feel that way forever.

You think it would have gotten me anywhere if I give it to her? I didn't think so then and I don't think so now.

7 Pounds: The Worst Day

The worst day on-set for me was when we were shooting the scene where Will Smith's character Ben and Rosario Dawson's character Emily have a picnic in a field of grass. To this day I can't watch that scene without cringing. On this particular day access from set to the caterer was not attainable through van because of a small, narrow, unpaved road of dirt and grass. Due to the fact that we were behind on schedule (which happened often and caused longer days and nights) the crew wasn't breaking for lunch. The PA's were asked to take orders from the whole crew so we could have them made ahead of time. We were having hamburgers which at the time didn't seem like it would be such a problem but we found out that there were so many different ways people liked there burgers.

The orders were being written down by Bobby, I would travel with the list and Sabena would help make the orders. I would then travel back with the lunches and grab the new list. We had this routine down to a tee tell we finished...or until we thought we finished. Bobby lost a list with the orders of the top dogs on set such as cinematographer Philippe Le Sourd, JP and by far the biggest most disgusting asshole on set David Jarrell the head Electric gaffer. The crew that hadn't ate were getting very anxious and upset everytime I'd return to set and there lunch weren't ready. You know how they love shooting the messager so the crew placed the blame unfairly on me. Daivd Jarrell threatened to stop production because he wasn't getting fed. He had the right to be upset because by law in the movie business the cast and crew need to be fed after 8 hours and it had pasted 8 hours.

The word would eventually get around to Paul and guess who got the blame? I'm not one to point the figure to anyone and there is an unwritten rule that you never through anyone under the bus so I didn't tell Paul it was Bobby's fault. Paul placed the blame on me and I took it. I didn't want to argue with him. Especially when he was working and infront of the whole crew. I bit my lip and kept working. It's what had to be done. Greg, who was working on set, rarely gets mad but he took out his frustration on me too. I didn't take it in a bad way because I understood that being on set he was taking alot of crap from the crew too.

You know the expression "there's no time to feel bad for yourself"? Well I found time. Everytime I traveled to get or pick up orders. With a landscape that should have brought nothing but a feeling of bliss, I was feeling blue. Then everything changed. I began to think of the love of my life. I took out the pocket notepad Catlin gave me and wrote down what I was thinking and going through at that moment. I'd like to share what I wrote. It went something like this:

''When I'm down in the gutters and I stop focusing on what I don't have, I think about what I do have and I merely needed to think of you to out weigh the negative."

Just like that I was relaxed. What does it say about the importance of a person to another when as bad of a day someone may be having they only have to think of that other person and all the grief, stress, conflict and confusion drifts away. It hit me in that moment of tranquility that I have found someone most spend there lives looking for and are never guaranteed to find.

The day finished without incident. I gathered myself and the HELL day on set ended with me reminding myself of how lucky I am.

7 Pounds: Paul Schneider

Doing my job right was crucial but unfortuntely I learn this after the facted. It's something my boss Paul Schneider tried to get through to me for what seemed to be all 51 days of production but it was tough when your job consisted of getting hair and make-up breakfast or lunch when they could have gotten it themselves. My follow PA's would tell me that I shouldn't have to do that. Early on I would screw up food orders by trying to memorize them. Enough so that Catlin gave me a pocket note pad to write the orders down.

It was tough to believe the impotance of my job when it was hiding behind a bush just in case a neighbor would come out of a house when we shot in a hollywood neighborhood. During the last week the crew was treated to a ten minute tease of the film and one of the scenes shown was where I was "the bush man". As I watched the clip besides being astonished that something I worked on was on an actual big screen, I saw the bush I was behind was very visible and it would have seriously affected the scene if someone was to pop out from behind it. Now this is one incident of many I could use as an example of how my job might have seemed unimportant to even me but was far from it.

Paul gave me opportunity after opportunity to prove myself and I often let him down. I hate letting anyone down. Makes me feel crummy. My performance was so bad as to have been a second job for Paul to look out for me and see what I was up to. I became a liability. I would have to warn the crew or anyone around the set to keep quiet or to avoid walking in a certain direction and I'd drop the ball. Someone would walk by or talk when they needed to be quiet. It wouldn't happen all the time but way to much. Now it didn't always happened out of complete carelessness from my part. There were times that I did warn people but to my surprise they ignored my cries. I think part of it had to do with the fact that they were grown ass people in their 30's and 40's who didn't take to kindly or respected a 19 year old punk kid telling them what to do. I would have to admit I also lacked that courage to persist and be confrontation when it called for it.

When the weeks drew closer to an end and I was given more chances to get closer to set, I'd find a way to screw it all up. The worst part of it was that the blame when not fall on me but on my boss Paul. When you screw up and get blamed for it thats one thing but when you screw up and someone else gets blamed for it well thats another thing. I took offense to that. I was really hard on myself. Even when I tried to be clearful I'd screw up. I lost count how many times I would get called on the walky talky the crew had and I wouldn't hear it because I was talking or paying attention to the wrong thing. "SOTO! SOTO! SOTO!", they would say. Soto because we had 3 other Chris's working on the film; Chris Bateman the Electric, Chris Samp the standby painter and Chris Gutierrez the location assistant.

"The better you do the more I'll have you do" Paul would say when I would become discouraged at the kind of job's he'd give me. He would give me advice and point out what I was doing wrong. He would give me a hard time and be brutality honest with me which I took constructively. He wouldn't have bothered with me if he didn't care about me or didn't see potential. When he would share personal stories with me about the times he was a PA I knew he was relating with me because he might have done the same mistakes I did.

Some of the other PA's might not have liked Paul and there were times were he was a real hard ass but I could say I really appreciate all he did for me, good and bad.

7 Pounds: Day 1

You only get one chance to make a first impression and I made a bad one. The first day of production was in Malibu. In fact the first two weeks were in Malibu shooting the beach sequences. Never having been to Malibu in my life I was late because I got lost. The next day I was on time but the third day the alarm to wake me up which was my phone, set to vibrate, fell off my bed and I never felt it. First thing Paul said was "strike 2. One more screw up and your gone." Halfway through the first week and I was almost fired. Those two weeks in Malibu were the toughest for me and I was starting to wonder if I would make it through the movie. Little did I know then that those would be the toughest two weeks of it all. I had to learn my job on the job and fast.

Catlin and I were asked to be there first everyday and last every night through out production. You could imagine waking up at 3:30am and driving from East L.A. to Malibu to be on set by 4:50am. We would wrap at about midnight but all PA's had to stay to collect out times from the whole crew and it took perhaps another hour for everyone to wrap up there equipment. The schedule was hell on my body and social life. I literally had no time but to come home, sleep and shower. Sometimes I traded a shower for 20 more minutes of sleep. My roomate can attest to that.

On the first day I was asked to bring someone a coffee with half 'n' half and Splenda. I had no earthly idea what half 'n' half was or splenda. I assumed splenda was a term that originated from the word surplus so when I found out what half 'n' half was I thought the person wanted a surplus or alot of it. A splenda of half 'n' half I thought. Hey what can I say? I'm mexican! We don't use splenda. I dropped the cup of coffee on the way to deliver it but not before I tried to save it with my shoulder and arm. I got burned bad and now I have a coffee burn scar on my inner shoulder and upper left pectoral muscle which i were with pride. A reminder of my first day of the first full-length motion picture I ever worked on.

7 Pounds: Cast and Crew

That's the trailer for "7 Pounds'' which to those who may not know was the first film I've ever worked on. To many it's just any other trailer but to me and all the men and women who worked on the film, it's something more. It brought back great memories and has inspired me to write. I wrote until I found myself with 12 pages worth of material. Thats a bit too much for anyone blog and to much to ask for you to read in one sitting. I wouldn't be able to do it myself so I've decided to split it into 7 parts.

Let's start with a boring run through on who did what and what each job consist of. On the feature I was a Production Assistant or a PA for short. A Production Asssistant is simply that. Those who assist in production. Our PA's were made up of the following clowns: The veteran, the leader of our group and no doubt in my mind a future 2nd AD, MIKE KING. The girl who never had a mean thing to say about anyone and living proof that not all blonde are dumb, CATLIN PICKLIN. The one who taught me all I know, my brother from south of the boarder, ISSAC MEJIA. The 30 year old rookie who did everything but his job and made me feel like I wasn't the worst PA on set, BOBBY MORGAN. The kid from Philly, GREG SANTORO. Last but not least yours truely. We also had some PA's we added on certain days that we needed more than we had. Honorable mentions are my boss's german cousin Sabena and Hiro, who only left because he had a Judd Apatow film he had commited to before 7 POUNDS.

The director is often mistaken to be the most important person on set but the 1st AD is. He makes sure production is on time and that everything the director asks for is ready. Our 1st Assistant Director was Jeffery Wetzel or JP for short. Then comes the 2nd AD which was Paul Schneider, my boss. There is even a 3rd AD but he is refered to as the 2nd 2nd AD. Don't ask me why. I have no clue.


Director Gabriele Muccino and I


JP and I

When certain folks find out that I've worked on a film with Will Smith, the first thing they like to ask is if I've met him and how is he. I did meet him and his a cool guy but he usually kept to himself and his peeps, his entourage. Dude had guest star friends showing up every other day such as Nick Cannon, UFC champ Randy Couture, Alfonso Ribeiro and Tom Cruise. All in all I never got star struck but I did get nervous the first time I met Rosario Dawson. I didn't get nervous because of who she was but because up to that point I hadn't dealt with the actors. It just happened that at that moment all the other PA's were busy and they needed Rosario on set. I happen to be the one nearest to her. Afraid of how to approach her I called her name. "Rosario they need you on set''. I pronounce her name in spanish like its origin and I think she found it cute. She smiled and asked for my name. I told her and we shook hands. On our way to set I confessed how nervous I was to call on her and she reassured me that I shouldn't be. She said ''I don't bite...too hard".

Day 358

Dear blog,
It's been a minute since I last spoke to you. When I say minute don't take it literally, just speaking gangsta. Minute in gangsta meaning a lapse in time depending on how you use it BUT I digress. It's been a minute since I last spoke to you but not beacuse I haven't had the time. I always have time for you baby! It's just I haven't had material worthy enough of your time. When I'm with you I got to give you the best of me or nothing at all. If I'm not inspired to right or in the mood I got to make myself scarce.

Love Always,

Christopher Benito Soto or CBS for short

P.S. I have no middle name just fucking with ya!

I'd like to start in an unusal fashion... on a downer. The video is a cover version from a band called Motion City Soundtrack. Isn't it strange how we find things we aren't looking for? The romantic in me likes to say we don't find things or pick them, they find and pick us when we need them most. This is another clear example of that. I went on the web to find a movie to watch and found this old 70's flick called "The Conversation" so I pop that sucker into youtube's search engine and not only did I get the movie but the song called "The Conversation" which I've heard before but never quite like this. I love this track and play it at least once a day. With no further ado I give you Julia Nunes.

Wasn't that something? The original song is pretty emotional in itself but Julia Nunes knocks it out of the ballpark. Not since Billie Holiday has a female musician make me feel her pain like Julia Nunes does in this cover.

The meaning of life is to give life a meaning

I've always wondered what a day in my life would look like on T.V. I mean not only capturing what I say or do but even getting in my head, what I think. I'll try to walk you through my day today as well as I can remember with thoughts I recall having, minus the boring parts of course.

I find myself at a Jack in The Box in Carson at around 8:50am with two buddies I made through a film program. We're there because we're a couple minutes early from making a presentation at Carson High School trying to convince graduating seniors to join the program. Meanwhile my friends purchase food I think how I hate not having any money and it hit me more when they ate in front of me. And I didn't expect them to treat me nor do I like to them to because its just not proper! After THEY ate we presented to a couple drama classes. Inbetween classes the students had nutrition and as I watched them enjoying themselves I thought about how this has always been the only thing that really makes me miss high school. So much advantage and so much fun crammed into a 15min. period

This is the second time we did these presentations as a group (first was at my former high school) so we got a technique on how we present. One of my friends starts the presentation and I pick it up when he starts stumbling which is often very soon and the other guy stands shyly in the corner behind the piano. It might be an untradition way of presenting but it works and its quite a funny act. We make the students laugh with the way we talk to each other and present. I figure we should take the act on the road. I find girls far more interested in my buddies then the program while I've manage to gain the interest of a total of two homosexuals. So once we've finished we headed to the programs offices in Santa Monica and this is where I pin point the beginning of my horrible day.

While his driving, one of my buddies smokes cigarette after cigarette, literally, right in my face. I must of said something about it to him along the lines of "dude I'm inhaling that!" and he replied very rudely with a "well you can go to the back seat". This is where he started to tick me off and he does it often. He presses my buttons.

We get to the office and the treatment doesn't get any better. In retrospect the smoke incident made me put my guard up but one other person who was in the office when we got there started to join in and maybe they take my kindness for weakness but there was only so much I will take before I say ENOUGH and people see a side of me thats violent and a loose cannon. I'll wip an ass when it needs to be wipped. They began to criticize this blog. And it wasn't constrictive criticism. Not by a long shot. I strongly dislike how some folks see someone happy or something that makes them happy and they can't have that. They talk trash to discourage you. I don't pay much attention to what folks have to say about how or what I do with my life when there intentions are to harm. If some of you have nothing nice to say or find these blogs amusing for the wrong reasons well then I suggest you stop reading them because you have some growing up to do and these blogs are not meant for you. I'll stop talking about these negetive nancy's because I've spent far to much of my time on them.

Now back to my day. I didn't have my car with me. I rode with the smoker. He likes to impress people and I noticed this when he tried to use me as a punching bag to impress the other kids and with my quick wit I shot him down only to having him retort with "How you getting home?" And this is where I snapped and took off. I knew if I stayed I would have killed him. I don't take to kindly to anyone treatening me or anything of those matters. I walked to a bus stop and luckly for me I had exactly the required fare to get home.

On the ride home I thought about many things and I came up with a twist on a quote.

It's easier to burn bridges then to build them and I've never been a worker.

When I got home I decided thats not how I wanted to end my day which is the opposite of how I deal with these kind of days. I have a bad day and I find comfront staying home even though its not really my home. I even stay in many days without seeing the sun because I'd rather stay away from trouble and theres trouble outside these walls. What a wrong way of thinking, right? It's just one of those fucked up way of thinking teenagers have or in my case soon to be young adult.

It was a hot Cali day so I decided to treat myself to Jamba Juice. I eventually got there after some time in traffic. Hoping for a break on a rough day I finally got it. Ironically the break came in not taking advantage of the break. I purchased a drink and the cashier actually gave me back more money then he was meant to. It took me a mere second to do what needed to be done. I took the money!!!!! nah just joshing. I told the dude and I felt great! It made my day. The way I saw it, I was having a really bad day but as bad as it was I never let my integrity be affected. On the ride home traffic cleared up and everything ran smoothly.

Fresh on my mind I asked my brother what he would have done if he was in the Jamba Juice situation without telling him what had just happened to me. I asked "Would you take the money?"

He said Yes.

¡Si Se Puede!

My mexican culture is rich in men and women who stood up against injustice and inequality. They had their backs against the wall, fought seeming impossiblities for what they believed in but it wasn't until 1972 that a phrase was coined that would capture the spirit of those individuals before us and many ahead. More than being a simple idea it defined a man's convictions. More than a juxapose of words it became a protest anthem. It has a thunderous resonance in any language it's uttered. More recently it's been adopted by the 2008 democratic presidential candidate Barrack Obama for his pursuit of CHANGE.

In 2006 my mother crossed 5 state lines to join La Gran Marcha, a protest in downtown Los Angeles against the proposed congressional legislation H.R. 4437 which would have raise penalties for illegal immigration and classify unauthorized immigrants and anyone who helped them enter or remain in the US as felons. As I stood beside my mother on the steps of city hall I have to admit I wasn't knowledgeable of the reasons why over 500,000 people were protesting other than a vague idea of an injustice being done to illegal immagrants in our country. I remember thinking it was a site to see not realizing how this piece of legislation could have affected so many I knew, many of whom were my friends and relatives.

H.R. 4437 never passed the senate floor. Through out this fight the chant was heard.

Throughout American history, there have been moments that call on us to meet the challenges of an uncertain world, and pay whatever price is required to secure our freedom

-Barack Obama

We have reached one of those moments. We have to answer the call and seek change. What price are we willing to pay not too?

In 29 days, on November 4th we are given the chance to elect the next president of the United States of America and that's one our fundamental rights we can't take for granted. Don't be apathetic to it. Don't turn your head from it. You owe it to those who fought to give you the right for your voice to be heard, you owe it to future generations but most important of all, you owe it to yourselves.

Our country has been in a bad spot for 8 long years and we've reached a time for a CHANGE. Much like in everything aspect of my life I carry a HOPE in my heart through the darkest skies that things will be better. It's a HOPE carried in those three meaningful word associated with civil rights. It's a HOPE I see in Barrack Obama. I know for a long time it's been hard to have HOPE. We may lose HOPE in our government but we should never lose hope in our country and those in it.

"When we are really honest with ourselves, we must admit that our lives are all that truely belong to us. So it is how we use our lives that determines what kind of men we are. It is my deepest belief that only by giving our lives do we find life. I'm convinced that the truest act of courage, the strongest act of manliness is to sacrifice ourselves for others in a totally non-violent struggle for justice. To be a man is to sacrifice for others. God help us to be men"

-Cesar Chavez

Today is the last day to register to vote and I hope this hasn't reached those who haven't by days end or anytime there after. If it has do it. Let your voice be heard.

Where Do Nice Guys Finish?

"I don't know what to do" he says hopelessly as he covers his face with his hands.

"Girls like guys that treat them like shit, dog! They don't like you to be there for everything. They hate that. They see you treat them like crap and it opens their eyes." says his friend, believing he has mastered the woman

I overheard this conversation and I've heard many men say this and I've always wondered if they do.

Before I go any further I would like to ask you all a favor to get more perspective on this topic. I expect every single person who reads this blog to give me a reply. For the males tell me if you agree. For the ladies let me know if you in fact do act in this way or have these instincts or know of a girlfriend that does. To both genders if, you have stories, do tell. I know every single person is different but I'd like some answers and see where the majority stand on this topic. Have no fear into what others or I may think. You can leave it as a message on myspace or a comment on this page. With that said, shall we?

Women habitually date men that are jerks while the "nice" guys are often left twiddling their thumbs in solitaire. With exceptions to every rule I don't think I'm going out on a limb when I make that statement.

When a nice guy encounters a woman he is affectionate about, his passion gets the better of him. He treats her right and does all he can to make her happy or what he believes will make her happy. Note to the nice guys: What makes a woman happy isn't usually what you think will. The sure way for a man to lose a woman is by giving her everything she wants. To women the traits of a nice guy are the epitome of bordom, predictability and unattractiveness.

Woman, CORRECTION, Attractive Woman can have pretty much any guy they want but whats the fun in that? Why do we see gorgeous women with guys that look like uncle fester from the addam's family? There interested in the dudes that are not wandering around like a lost puppy waiting to be thrown a bone. A women loves a challenge, the chase. The unattainable if you will. What they can't have. They find it exhilarating and they find it in these jerks. The idea of the unattainable may not only apply to women but it's a woman made concept.

Let me prove that statement by asking a question to my fellow gentlemen out there.
"There is a woman who loves you uncontrollably and is there for you when you need her and then there's a girl that is nothing more then a headache, which would you prefer?"

I admit the way I stated the question is very misleading but the only way I could think of asking it.

A man has to be able to court a woman, amuse her and excite her while continuously remaining a challenge. Easier said then done.

Why do women yearn for misery? Is it a self-esteem problem? Daddy issues? I just don't know and in the end, with a 100% certainty, I believe a woman doesn't even know why they do it. Women generally don't know what they want from us.

Knowing a woman enjoys a jerk nice guys must not change to fit this insane criteria. You can't just stop being the nice guy. It's like asking someone to stop breathing. It's in our upbringing and in our human nature to be that way. For those poor bastards who know where I'm coming from way too well, I'd like to end this blog speaking to you. You don't have to change who you are. A woman will come around. She will get it out of her system. She will reach a point in her life where she will realizes what she has been really needing. A husband, father of one and a good friend once told me. "A woman will date the bad guy but end up with the nice guy." If you can endure tell then know that every dog has his day and nice guys don't finish last.

Bad luck has a Name

I've just recovered from the flu and it wasn't pretty. With no medicine or money to buy any, I had the flu for longer then I should have had it. I could have filled a 2liter bottle of your favorite soft drink with all the mucus I dished out but thats not very appealing to think about. All year long I never get sick but this damn flu bug always gets me around this time of year. It got me a bit earlier then ususal. I just had some pretty awful milk. The expiration date may say Oct.15 but the taste tells me different. I've been sleeping on a small uncomfortable couch for about a year now and it sucks! Neck cramps, sore backs, and walking up on the floor are what I could usually expect the morning after. Now before any of you go preach on to me about being grateful that I at least I have a couch to sleep on, I know! If I am grateful to have a couch how should you feel? You have your own cozy beds.



You've just witness an example of how I tend to go on random rants about a series of unfortunate events always using humor to put a light note on my misfortunes but there was a time when I use to deal with it differently. I use to wallow in my own self-pity. I couldn't deal with all the bad news I'd get all the time. They seemed to always pile up on me. One bad thing after another. "Why do these bad things happen to me all the time?!" I would ask to no one in particular. It became ridiculous how much would happen that I couldn't help but laugh at my luck. After sometime I stop fighting it and accepted it. I started sugarcoating it with the only way I knew how...with humor. Bad things happen to me "well that's the story of my life".



Seemed fitting.

Does this mean I concede to having a bad life and thats how its always going to be? No! Hell no! I would be the living dead if I did. But it lightens the force of the impact when it ever comes around, you know? If your ready for it then it can't hurt too bad. Whether rational or not this is how i deal. We all have irrational ways of handling our problems. I'm curious, Whats yours?

Expectations

October is finally here! Playoff baseball! A year closer to death! All Hallow's Eve! Its good to see somethings never change.

I got pulled away by a phone call right after writing the previous sentence. I'm back now... I'm a little upset now. I had an argument. What the argument was about is not important. What I have to do with that negative energy is channel it into something positive. Why did it upset me as much as it did? Let's think...oh wait! another call.

Just finished talking to some old buddies from high school and feel much better.

This is a perfect example of how the affect of talking to one person then another is night and day.

EXPECTATIONS!

I expect too much from that person and unfortuntely doing that will set me up for many letdowns.

People are not here to meet our expectations-Leo Buscaglia

That's such a great quote and it makes so much sense yet I can't cement it into my cranium to think that way.

Just under a year ago I experienced what I consider to be the greatest and happiest three to four days of my life and I believe it to be so great in part because I had no expectations of it being anything and it turned out to be everything. I was just in a different mindset then.

Its tough to not put much thought into someone you think highly of . I can't! Its like neglecting someone from being something great.

Do I lower my expectations? I can already hear one person's voice telling me "NO!" A loud one a that.

I expect much from many of you and at times I'm letdown. It bums me out!

Ahhh!!!! Its like 1:30 in the morning and I can't think anymore. So much I would like to add to this topic but I don't think I could say much more. My brain's fried! Oh well. I bet you all expected more from me. (Laugh)

Fear

It's a saturday night and the formula seems familar. The parties/gigs are "crackin" and I find myself safely at home with my paper and pencil in hand. Wow! would you take a look at that! Sábado Gigante is still on the air. I haven't seen that show in years. Kudos Don Francisco and rock on. With so much to talk about, lets get the ball rolling before I decide to chicken out this blog.

"Having a tough exterior and acting like nothing phases you is more valued than accepting that you're human and that we all fuck up sometimes. (well, a lot of the time)... as i grow older, i'm starting to realize that there is a power in admitting your faults and accepting the fact that it's ok to be an imperfect being (as we all are). sharing yourself with other people and creating relationships that are based on openness and vulnerability is one of the most satisfying feelings.

We are all subject to the human condition. Each and every single one of us. It doesn't take much traveling to realize that we all generally want the same things in terms of our relationships with others and how we want to be treated."

I received a text about a week ago from my one and only that consisted of how her day went and what she was studying at the moment and I was quick to give an apathetic reply. Something along the lines of "that's great". Her reply to my reply was unexpected but I applaud the courage she had to finally speak her mind. What she said in that text really made me think and opened a door into a room I've never had the nerve or strength to explore until now because I had been afraid of what I might find.

Fear-A feeling of agitation and anxiety caused by the presence or imminence of danger

I had no idea that I had been hiding my own insecurities from not only my love one's but MYSELF! Why was I threatened by her successes? In these last couple days I had to look within myself, my past and my fears to find some piece of mind and answers I seeked.

The first scenario I considered was the idea that it might be the machismo she has accused me of having. However that was quickly cancelled out as a possibility when I considered how I've genuinely been happy for the successes of my other female friends. Boy am I relieved I'm not that shallow. I would have sent the human race back about 60yrs.

Why am I not happy for her? Thats the question of the century. I mean it never use to be that way. I remember back in high school I use to be happy for the smallest thing she accomplished.

Then it hit me! The answer lay in the past. Over time fear created a distrust in my ability to not only find love but to sustain it. I didn't feel treatened from her successes in high school because she'd have to see me everyday monday thru friday. It was a controlled environment where I need not fear her leaving me. When I was a little kid I remember always wanting to spend time with my family, the one's I loved but was always shunned away. If they only knew the affect it would have on me for the rest of my childhood I wonder if they would have done anything about it. Besides my mother, everyone that I loved and was suppose to love me left me at an early age. They never showed me that fatherly love or that brotherly love or even that love only our true friends know how to give. I guess I just never wanted her to join the long list of folks who left Christopher Soto to fend for himself. Don't get me wrong I had a loving mother who did all she could to be there for me and without that who knows where I'd be right now. I will forever be in her debt. Many women can give birth but not all can be a mother and I was fortunate to have one.

I've created somewhat of a bond, a LOVE with my significant other that at times seemed like a plateau I'd never reach. When I finally reached it and she told me those three simple words that I longed to hear I became satisfied with that fact and stop doing anything to make our situation better. You know that old saying "if it isn't broke don't fix it". I saw it that way and we began to fall apart. I was scared of losing that which I worked so hard to gain and YOU CAN'T FOLKS. YOU GOT TO RISK! I now see it as "if our relationships with each other don't keep growing they lose meaning and fade away". I think thats what happens to the most of us in our relationships. I'm obvious no philosopher and I'm learning day by day but if I believe in what I have I'll look at my options and do whats best to ensure that I hold on to whats good in my life and in my life she is whats good. Now I don't want anyone who may find themselves in a similar situation to make the mistake I made which was to carry the load all on your shoulders. Remember do all you can but in the end it takes two to tango.

It was tough to have negative things happen to me when I felt I wasn't warrent of that treatment So I had an irrational why of thinking that if I tamper with it and I do something bad in that ceratin situation I could trick myself into believing I deserved what happen to me. That why of thinking wasn't very logical but it help me deal. Why do we blame ourselves for certain things that are out of our hands?

I always wanted to end up with the girl I'm in love with but had my doubts because if history repeated itself like it all to commonly does the person I love would eventually leave me and I saw signs of this happening with her accomplishments. Does this make any sense to any of you? Maybe it only makes sense in this crazy mind of mine. Maybe I was seeing something that wan't really happening. I always wanted her to be the exception, my salvation.

When I think back on how I wasn't happy for her I feel like a GIANT Douche. I've missed out on so much by living in fear. I can't live in fear anymore. Whatever the future brings so be it. I use to hate that I wasn't one of her top priorities but hey I can't blame her for it. She's a warrior, a bright star that needs to shine and I've known this since day one. She has to get her education and career off the floor first and then love and things of that matter will come along after. I have to tell you all and some of you know it already. It was very tough to wait for so long until you think you've reached the point where it was time for the two of you to become something more then just an idea floating in your head and have it not to be. (LONG SENTENCE BUT IT MAKES SENSE) I kinda have to take a backseat to everything again but for her I'd wait as long as it takes because I've never met anyone that fills me with life the way she does.

I say the cornyest shit but I don't mean to! This feeling makes you say somethings you think you never would.

Lets recap my fears shall we?

I'm afraid of losing love or lets just say I'm afraid of being alone. I also have self-image issues and well lets throw in that I fear an enivironment I can't control since I don't like parties much.

What do you fear?

Bye Bye Blog

When I started this blog I worried whether I would be able to keep up with it on a daily bases but I have. Unfortuntely another problem has arose. I've lost the urge to write these blogs. Not the urge to write but the urge to write these blogs. In fact it took much for me to write this one but I told myself I owe it to myself as well as all of you to do so. The last two blogs I've written have, in my mind, lacked the emotional deepness and thoughtfulness I've been showing in other previous blogs. If something loses meaning then whats the point and I've reached that point in "My LAST DAY ON EARTH". I tried to go throw the motions but I just can't right now. So what I'm basically trying to say to those who follow my blogs on a daily bases if there is any is don't expect a blog tomorrow. Maybe not for awhile but who knows. Thank you all for your comments and thoughts. I'll be with you all soon I'm certain.

The only summer I've known

As the last day of summer arrives upon us I can't but remind myself of the summer I had last year. The summer of '07 saw so much change in environment for me. I went from a high school student to a film student in what seemed to be a blink of an eye. Yet thats not what stands out in my mind when I think of that summer.

One night while I surfed the web aimlessly I was surprise by the arrival of a friend I hadn't been talking to for reasons I can't remember because we use to fight often......I guess we still do from time to time. With not much more said then "let's go" I decided on going. Where I was going I had no idea and I don't think my kidnapper did either but I recall being thrilled not knowing where I was going. I can trace back that memory as being the exact moment summer began for me. As soon as I knew it it became a regular thing inbetween film school to take these little advanture to such places as the beach and denny's. There was something out of the ordinary in the ordinary things we did. It was out of the ordinary because it was things other people do but something we had never done until then. That summer I made two new friends through my friend, discovered Tiger Army and managed to almost get my ass arrested for trespassing.

Pink Floyd's "Darkside Of The Moon" became the anthem of our summer and you have not but to play that album in front of us to remind us of that time.

I have always been a sucker for not seeing a good thing when I have it right infront of me. I remember how at the time I wanted so much more then the summer we were having yet it was a summer like I had never had or will have again. There was something special about the mediocre summer we had. It will have a place in my heart for the rest of my life...or at least many summers to come.

Help Wanted America

On an unconventional morning out two unemployed joe's went looking for a job.
Sounds like a beginning of some kind of horrible joke but I promise you its not. My friend and I drove down beverly blvd stopping at any place we ran across that had a "Help Wanted" sign or look like needed help or place we thought we would enjoy working out but unfortunately the bowling alley didn't need our assistant. After rejection upon rejects we decided beggers couldn't be choosers but boy I hadn't been rejected by these many women since I was in house school. We then went from Starbucks to Pizza Hut to the Montebello mall and anything you could think of under the moon, it looks like Mcdonald's is our best shot at being working men.
Finally we return to my buddies house where we bullshitted some while listening to some great jazz from John Coltrane to Chet Barker to Charlie Parker. Explaining to my friend that I really don't feel like writing today but feel I have a dedicated to all of you as well as myself to keep writing and keep growing he should me a poem by Allen Ginsberg that I'd like to leave you with. Enjoy.

The Way We Were

"Its funny how life has a way about her of bringing certain things to you right when you need to stumble upon them...kind of like she's aware of what you need to stumble upon them...kind of like she's aware of what you're ready to be receptive to".

Katie

It's cause I'm not attractive enough isn't it? I'm not fishing really, I'm not. I know I'm attractive.

Sort of...But...I'm not attractive in...I'm not attractive in the right way, am I? I don't have the right style for you, do I?...Be my friend?

Hubbell

No...You don't have the right style

Katie

I'll change

Hubbell

NO! Don't change. Your your own girl. You have your own style

Katie

But then I won't have you. Why can't I have you!? Why!?

Hubbell

Because you push to hard! EVERY DAMN MINUTE! I mean we don't..(laugh) there's no time to just relax and enjoy living. Everything is too serious to be too serious.

Katie

If I push to hard it's because I want things to be better! I want us to be better! I want you to be better. Sure I make waves. I mean you have to. And I'll keep making them until your every wonderful thing you should be and will be! You'll never find anyone as good for you as I am, to believe in you as much as I do or love you as much.

Hubbell

I know that

Katie

Well then Why?

Hubbell

You expect to much

Katie

Well look at what I've got

OMG lol =)

Enough with pointing out my typos people! Thats not what this is all about. Your missing the point. I'm bound to make typos once in a while because I don't proofread. It's what makes my writing my own. Expect a typo before this was all over!

What to write about? ummmm...Ah Yes!

The cursed TEXT MESSAGE. If congress decide one day to pass a law to ban the text message I would be first in line to support it. I see more flaws in it then I see benefits. Like Bobby Boucher mother in the "Waterboy" might of said "THE TEXT MESSAGE IS THE DEVIL!"

Everywhere I go it's like a damn epidemic! People dug deep in there phones punching those buttons until they get calluses or until the cows come home! I wonder and if anyone can give me an answer to this question I'd really appreciate it. What are the text messages for!?
What do we really use them for? To Break-up with someone, to pass time or to short change someone we don't want to talk to. Don't deny that folks! You know it to be true. What's really soooooo important that could not wait or be solved with a simple call. " OMG I saw Tony at BK today and he looked at me lol" ,"what are you doing?", isn't that what most text messages are about? If something isn't worth calling for then it isn't worth texting. I understand sometimes we can't make a call or the person on the receiving end can't talk (which if they can't they shouldn't be texting either!) but that's where we practice patients my good friends. Call them when you get the chance or when they get the chance. I think after a while many of you texts not because you have to but because it's be in your routine. It's like a tick.

Call me old school but there's nothing like hearing the voice of someone or being with someone.
I enjoy being with someone and giving them my complete attention or time because I feel they deserve no less than that. I feel it's very important the time we give each other to grow together as individuals. By texting when your with me your telling me "this text is more important then you or more important then whatever we are doingor talking about". When I look into someone eyes and instead of finding their pair of eyes look back at me I see a blue light reflecting off those eyes I can't help but get upset. It's a slap in the face!

If you all are old enough and most of us are, to recall the time when the text message wasn't available to us. We did mighty fine without it. It's one of those comforts we can do without.
If "TODAY IS MY LAST DAY ON EARTH" do me one last favor as a friend. Next person your alone with put that phone away for whatever time your with them or call the person you were about to text. I trust you won't regret it.

Two Men Apart

I've always been hush hush on this topic. Even with the one's it directly involved but if this blog will have any meaning and inspire anyone, its going to having to be completely 100% me. I can't hold anything back. With that said here is the most important blog I've written thus far.

I had FRIENDS telling me "Dude, how can you compete with him?", "I see why she likes him over you", "His a charming guy". Those things people would say always bugged me when it never should have. I let it bug me because I believied what they were saying. Everyone loved him but me. He cast a very big shadow wherever he went. He had an Ora about himself. He created bonds with people seamlessly where it took me years to gain these same peoples trust and friendships. There's always going to be someone that does something better then you, just hope you never have to come across them.

Was I Jealous of the guy? Yes. You bet I was. I always wanted to bring happiness and joy into peoples lives the way he did because it made me feel worthy of something when I wasn't to happy with myself. To make someone laugh or enjoy themselves was a gift onto itself and all I had going for me. The minute he showed up he took that away from me. For lack of a better way of saying it, he stole my thunder. Now if this isn't reason enough to be bitter towards someone let me do you one better.

He nearly stole what I believed to be my only shot at TRUE happiness. To this day I can recall the day they first met. After all I was there. I can trace all the bad to this day. Believe it or not it was around that time that I build up enough courage to finally tell her how I felt about her because up to that point she didn't know. In a clear example that I always found myself at the wrong place at the wrong time, they fell in love and I bit my lip. I didn't want to get in the way of things. I just hoped against hope that it blew over just like the other guys that came and went but he became the man to her that I dreams of one day being. It wouldn't have hit me as hard as it did if I wasn't around for all of it but I was. It was so tough not to be angry and lash out because I had no right to...but at the same time I had every right to.

There's nothing worse then seeing the one you love loving someone else.

It fucks with your head when you look at this guy and you tell yourself that that was suppose to be you with her, that was suppose to be your moment. For the longest everyone wondered why I was always down and I'd come up with some bullshit answers to stop the questioning. I tried my best for soooo long to grin and bare but I finally reached rock bottom and I couldn't be around them anymore. It got so bad that the anticipation of seeing them together was enough to send me reeling. It tore me apart.

But to my credit, to avoid problems I never said a word. How could I? It was never my place or time to say anything. What sealed my silence was watching him making the woman I love happy and if I found comfort in anything it was in that fact. I couldn't tamper with that. I couldn't tarnish that for her. In the end the only thing I truly wanted was for her to be happy whether that be with me or not. I never treated him bad or bad mouthed him. How could I? Can I really blame him for all that happened? He wasn't deliberately intentionally hurting me. He was crushing my world without a single notion that he was. We all just happen to be victims of circumstance.

When I see him I'm reminded of a time where I felt lost and replaced. When I see him all the pain, all that suffering, all the grief I held onto for so long comes back. When I see him the feeling comes over me that's not welcoming, all that history and all those negative emotions I once felt resurfaces. The sound of his name is like the middle finger pointed at me and calling me a failure. His trumphs had always been my failures and who wants to be reminded of that?

If "TODAY IS MY LAST DAY ON EARTH" I want whoever may go through a rough time in life to know that there's a justification for you going through that certain experience, those emotions. "What doesn't kill us makes us who we are".

Politcs & Fortune

Someone told me yesterday that these blogs seem too melodramatic. It is what it is! Maybe I'm just a melodramatic kind of guy.

The sun is shining through the window that sits next to me. It looks like its going to be a beautiful day out. I hope you all are having a great day and making the best of these moments we can't have back.

I can't stop but think about the direction our nation is going into. Its impossible for me to turn my head from it. ITS EVERYWHERE! Which ever man wins ,whether it be Senator Barrack Obama or John McCain, I hope they can lift us from this disaster we've been living under for the past 8 years. Thats about as long as I've known the women I'm in love with, thats about as long as I've known most of the friends I still keep in touch with, thats the major part of my childhood!

Is it just me or has this years presidental election slowly turned into more about the candidate's race and gender then the issues? I first saw this developing with Hilary Clinton and Barrack Obama and now in a chess move to win the votes Barrack lost by not picking Hilary as his vice president, John McCain picks Sarah Palin as his running mate. I mean COME ON!!!!

YES! I found someone who agrees with me! Good old Matt Damon. Check it out

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=anxkrm9uEJk

Now thats enough about politics. Thinking too much about it gives me headaches as I bet it does you.

I am dumbfounded when I think of how lucky I am to have met someone that truely makes me happy in every sense of the word like she does. With her being her I am happy. The only thing that comes to mind that can compare to the feeling she fills me with every single time I lay eyes on her is when a father or mother gazes down at their child for the first time. That sense of filling complete in that moment is what I feel. I can never get use to the sight of her even after short periods of being away from her. I DAMN WELL FEEL LIKE THE LUCKEST MAN IN THE WORLD AND YOU CAN'T CONVINCE ME OTHERWISE. To ask me to do that is like asking me to accept I'll be here tomorrow. Thats not promised. Tomorrow isn't promised. I'll give her my complete love each and every single time because I'd hate to say "I held back". I got to tell you guys, you can't feel any better or be anymore prepare to face what the future brings knowing there's someone who will be there to face it with you. The other night she fell asleep in my arms and I felt so privileged to see her beauty at its simplest. Its simple but important times like those that the question comes to me "What have I done to be this lucky?" She felt comfortable enough with me to fall asleep in my arms. Its little presents she gives me like that that I don't take for granted and see as development into what I would one day love to call my own. If "TODAY IS MY LAST DAY ON EARTH" I want you all to love and let be loved.

Waste Some Time With Me

I dislike routines although it is often seen as a sign of being responsible. To me its a sign of getting old. I'd like to be freewheelin'. I'd like to stay young for as long as I can pull it off. This blog is the only rountine I keep and look forward to. I can't get my mind off of this blog much like many new things we get and don't seem to want to put down. Its been like an itch all day to write this!

How much time do we waste?

Someone once posed this question to me and I think about it often. Makes me feel guilty when I'm not being productive with my time but what about the times we can't control it? I spent about 20mins in the line at the bank today and about 2hours in the DMV. Now thats a good amount of time in my life I can't have back. If "Today Is My Last Day On Earth" I would want that time back? All those times I sat in traffic or in front of the evil TUBE we call television. If we could do some form of calculations on time we've unwillingly wasted, it would be a big amount and if we through in the time we wasted knowingly, well that wouldn't be too pretty.

The time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time

TOO MUCH NOISE IN THIS HOUSE IS CLOUDING MY THINKING!!!!! I can't think straight!
THIS IS THE WORST BLOG I'VE EVER WRITTEN unhappy with my results and losing the drive to write for the night I say if "TODAY IS MY LAST DAY ON EARTH" I saw her smile one last time.