Fear

It's a saturday night and the formula seems familar. The parties/gigs are "crackin" and I find myself safely at home with my paper and pencil in hand. Wow! would you take a look at that! Sábado Gigante is still on the air. I haven't seen that show in years. Kudos Don Francisco and rock on. With so much to talk about, lets get the ball rolling before I decide to chicken out this blog.

"Having a tough exterior and acting like nothing phases you is more valued than accepting that you're human and that we all fuck up sometimes. (well, a lot of the time)... as i grow older, i'm starting to realize that there is a power in admitting your faults and accepting the fact that it's ok to be an imperfect being (as we all are). sharing yourself with other people and creating relationships that are based on openness and vulnerability is one of the most satisfying feelings.

We are all subject to the human condition. Each and every single one of us. It doesn't take much traveling to realize that we all generally want the same things in terms of our relationships with others and how we want to be treated."

I received a text about a week ago from my one and only that consisted of how her day went and what she was studying at the moment and I was quick to give an apathetic reply. Something along the lines of "that's great". Her reply to my reply was unexpected but I applaud the courage she had to finally speak her mind. What she said in that text really made me think and opened a door into a room I've never had the nerve or strength to explore until now because I had been afraid of what I might find.

Fear-A feeling of agitation and anxiety caused by the presence or imminence of danger

I had no idea that I had been hiding my own insecurities from not only my love one's but MYSELF! Why was I threatened by her successes? In these last couple days I had to look within myself, my past and my fears to find some piece of mind and answers I seeked.

The first scenario I considered was the idea that it might be the machismo she has accused me of having. However that was quickly cancelled out as a possibility when I considered how I've genuinely been happy for the successes of my other female friends. Boy am I relieved I'm not that shallow. I would have sent the human race back about 60yrs.

Why am I not happy for her? Thats the question of the century. I mean it never use to be that way. I remember back in high school I use to be happy for the smallest thing she accomplished.

Then it hit me! The answer lay in the past. Over time fear created a distrust in my ability to not only find love but to sustain it. I didn't feel treatened from her successes in high school because she'd have to see me everyday monday thru friday. It was a controlled environment where I need not fear her leaving me. When I was a little kid I remember always wanting to spend time with my family, the one's I loved but was always shunned away. If they only knew the affect it would have on me for the rest of my childhood I wonder if they would have done anything about it. Besides my mother, everyone that I loved and was suppose to love me left me at an early age. They never showed me that fatherly love or that brotherly love or even that love only our true friends know how to give. I guess I just never wanted her to join the long list of folks who left Christopher Soto to fend for himself. Don't get me wrong I had a loving mother who did all she could to be there for me and without that who knows where I'd be right now. I will forever be in her debt. Many women can give birth but not all can be a mother and I was fortunate to have one.

I've created somewhat of a bond, a LOVE with my significant other that at times seemed like a plateau I'd never reach. When I finally reached it and she told me those three simple words that I longed to hear I became satisfied with that fact and stop doing anything to make our situation better. You know that old saying "if it isn't broke don't fix it". I saw it that way and we began to fall apart. I was scared of losing that which I worked so hard to gain and YOU CAN'T FOLKS. YOU GOT TO RISK! I now see it as "if our relationships with each other don't keep growing they lose meaning and fade away". I think thats what happens to the most of us in our relationships. I'm obvious no philosopher and I'm learning day by day but if I believe in what I have I'll look at my options and do whats best to ensure that I hold on to whats good in my life and in my life she is whats good. Now I don't want anyone who may find themselves in a similar situation to make the mistake I made which was to carry the load all on your shoulders. Remember do all you can but in the end it takes two to tango.

It was tough to have negative things happen to me when I felt I wasn't warrent of that treatment So I had an irrational why of thinking that if I tamper with it and I do something bad in that ceratin situation I could trick myself into believing I deserved what happen to me. That why of thinking wasn't very logical but it help me deal. Why do we blame ourselves for certain things that are out of our hands?

I always wanted to end up with the girl I'm in love with but had my doubts because if history repeated itself like it all to commonly does the person I love would eventually leave me and I saw signs of this happening with her accomplishments. Does this make any sense to any of you? Maybe it only makes sense in this crazy mind of mine. Maybe I was seeing something that wan't really happening. I always wanted her to be the exception, my salvation.

When I think back on how I wasn't happy for her I feel like a GIANT Douche. I've missed out on so much by living in fear. I can't live in fear anymore. Whatever the future brings so be it. I use to hate that I wasn't one of her top priorities but hey I can't blame her for it. She's a warrior, a bright star that needs to shine and I've known this since day one. She has to get her education and career off the floor first and then love and things of that matter will come along after. I have to tell you all and some of you know it already. It was very tough to wait for so long until you think you've reached the point where it was time for the two of you to become something more then just an idea floating in your head and have it not to be. (LONG SENTENCE BUT IT MAKES SENSE) I kinda have to take a backseat to everything again but for her I'd wait as long as it takes because I've never met anyone that fills me with life the way she does.

I say the cornyest shit but I don't mean to! This feeling makes you say somethings you think you never would.

Lets recap my fears shall we?

I'm afraid of losing love or lets just say I'm afraid of being alone. I also have self-image issues and well lets throw in that I fear an enivironment I can't control since I don't like parties much.

What do you fear?