Two Men Apart

I've always been hush hush on this topic. Even with the one's it directly involved but if this blog will have any meaning and inspire anyone, its going to having to be completely 100% me. I can't hold anything back. With that said here is the most important blog I've written thus far.

I had FRIENDS telling me "Dude, how can you compete with him?", "I see why she likes him over you", "His a charming guy". Those things people would say always bugged me when it never should have. I let it bug me because I believied what they were saying. Everyone loved him but me. He cast a very big shadow wherever he went. He had an Ora about himself. He created bonds with people seamlessly where it took me years to gain these same peoples trust and friendships. There's always going to be someone that does something better then you, just hope you never have to come across them.

Was I Jealous of the guy? Yes. You bet I was. I always wanted to bring happiness and joy into peoples lives the way he did because it made me feel worthy of something when I wasn't to happy with myself. To make someone laugh or enjoy themselves was a gift onto itself and all I had going for me. The minute he showed up he took that away from me. For lack of a better way of saying it, he stole my thunder. Now if this isn't reason enough to be bitter towards someone let me do you one better.

He nearly stole what I believed to be my only shot at TRUE happiness. To this day I can recall the day they first met. After all I was there. I can trace all the bad to this day. Believe it or not it was around that time that I build up enough courage to finally tell her how I felt about her because up to that point she didn't know. In a clear example that I always found myself at the wrong place at the wrong time, they fell in love and I bit my lip. I didn't want to get in the way of things. I just hoped against hope that it blew over just like the other guys that came and went but he became the man to her that I dreams of one day being. It wouldn't have hit me as hard as it did if I wasn't around for all of it but I was. It was so tough not to be angry and lash out because I had no right to...but at the same time I had every right to.

There's nothing worse then seeing the one you love loving someone else.

It fucks with your head when you look at this guy and you tell yourself that that was suppose to be you with her, that was suppose to be your moment. For the longest everyone wondered why I was always down and I'd come up with some bullshit answers to stop the questioning. I tried my best for soooo long to grin and bare but I finally reached rock bottom and I couldn't be around them anymore. It got so bad that the anticipation of seeing them together was enough to send me reeling. It tore me apart.

But to my credit, to avoid problems I never said a word. How could I? It was never my place or time to say anything. What sealed my silence was watching him making the woman I love happy and if I found comfort in anything it was in that fact. I couldn't tamper with that. I couldn't tarnish that for her. In the end the only thing I truly wanted was for her to be happy whether that be with me or not. I never treated him bad or bad mouthed him. How could I? Can I really blame him for all that happened? He wasn't deliberately intentionally hurting me. He was crushing my world without a single notion that he was. We all just happen to be victims of circumstance.

When I see him I'm reminded of a time where I felt lost and replaced. When I see him all the pain, all that suffering, all the grief I held onto for so long comes back. When I see him the feeling comes over me that's not welcoming, all that history and all those negative emotions I once felt resurfaces. The sound of his name is like the middle finger pointed at me and calling me a failure. His trumphs had always been my failures and who wants to be reminded of that?

If "TODAY IS MY LAST DAY ON EARTH" I want whoever may go through a rough time in life to know that there's a justification for you going through that certain experience, those emotions. "What doesn't kill us makes us who we are".