It strange how happy it makes me to see how unhappy Charlie Brown is on Christmas. It makes me feel like I'm not alone. You know what I mean? Yeah I bet I sound crazy, right? Finding comfort with a melancholy cartoon boy. Things can change over the years but Charlie Brown will always be sad on christmas and that makes me happy.
Last week I went to El Mercadito to sing las mananitas a la virgen de guadalupe. It was just as I remember it from the previous year with one small difference. I was alone. Last year my brothers and I went together like one big happy family. I remember feeling happy that we were together because up to that point I couldn't remember the last time we were somewhere together. It's a rarity. To stress how rare that is, well we haven't done something like it since. It was something that instantly put me in a great mood. A year later I found myself alone. It was so symbolic that I would find myself alone. I'd like to think that I don't ask for much and maybe what I do ask for is too much. It's times like these that I'm remember of a lyric in a flaming lips song: "Our lives are strangely our own".
Today I got a call from a guy named Pedro I worked with during the filming of Seven Pounds. It happened that today I had been having a feeling of worthlessness and his call made all the difference in changing my mindset. Just when I was feeling like I've become a ghost in my own life and lives of others, this happens. We spoke about the then and the now. My medicine wasn't in what he said but the act of calling me. It made me see the positive influence I had in someone's life. Hollywood has alot of two-faced people and knowing nothing about that I came to the set of Seven Pounds with the greatest attitude and was simply being myself. I felt they saw that. They saw that I was being genuine and they were drawn to that. As I've said before and I'll say again I enjoy making someone smile, laugh, making them happy. It's a pleasure comedians feel when someone laughs at their jokes. To go further into that I also like to stay away from my friends when I know I'm not capable of being that person. I don't want to be a drag to be around and recently thats who I've become. I despise it! It makes me even more sad when I realize I'm being that person. It's not like I mean to either. When Pedro called he made me think of that person I was and where his gone because his been MIA for a long time. It would be easy for me to diagnosis myself with depression but I don't think I'm sad enough to be depression. I'm just in a stage where I see the world and those around me moving on and I need to adjust to it to see where I fit. I've become this shadow of a man. I miss the old me and wish to have him back someday because I can think of one other person who misses him to.
"I am still determined to be cheerful and happy, in whatever situation I may be; for I have also learned from experience that the greater part of our happiness or misery depends upon our dispositions, and not upon our circumstances." -Martha Washington
It was just about a year ago where everything came together. A year gone and it seems I've lost what I love the most. Yet I hold no remorse and understand that things have to be this way. I've finally understand that if you love something let it go. If it comes back to you, it was meant to be. True love knows no limitations. We give ourselves these limitations. It makes me so very happy that I don't look back in anger when I think of where I have come with my partner. I tend to think of where we've been and whenever I think back on us the first thing that comes to my mind are the great times we've had and I smile. To me thats a sign that we did something right along the way. It makes me so very happy that I at least had last year with that one person. My favorite part of 2007, my favorite Christmas, my favorite memory, the best time in my whole life.
From this point on I speak to one person and one person only. This is where the blog ends for the rest of you. Since I have no way of finding out if you read beyond this point I can only hope you all respect my wishes and don't. Thank you.
It's snowing in Arkansas right now. I know how you wanted to see snow in Arkansas last year and we weren't treated to it but hey we did run into it in Texas remember? Damn that was one chilling night.There were quite a few accidents during that night ride. I know how scared you were about something happening to us on that bus ride so I didn't want to bug you with it. You look so peaceful sleeping there that I couldn't imagine waking you. I also saw these two dudes who sat next to us making out in the dark. Now what was wrong about that was that one guy was old enough to be the other one's father! We also saw snow on our way back in New Mexico, remember?. We would have been home sooner if we didn't run into that traffic. I recall that by then you were so home sick you were counting the miles to Los Angeles.
How long did it take us to get to arkansas? We left on the 22nd didn't we? I know we were suppose to get there in like a day but because of that flat tire we got in the middle of nowhere plans changed but wasn't it interesting meeting that one dude from minnesota? The stories he shared about his childhood and family were priceless.
On the bus drive through Oklahoma we shared what I believe to be a pivotal moment in our trip and our relationship. I've mention this moment to you once before but you don't seem to recall. I've mentioned it but never gone into detail about it until now. We were going through your IPOD when you put on "Luz De Dia" by Enanitos Verdes. I may be looking too much into it but I had a feeling that you were speaking to me indirectly through that song. The moment I heard the lyrics "Ya no pienses mas en nuestro pasado hagamos que choquen nuestar copas por habernos encontrado" I felt this feeling come over me, this emotional release. I felt a weight was lifted as I lay there, my head in your lap. The feeling was comparable to the first time you told me you loved me. It was one of those moments that struck a nerve with me and one I haven't forget almost a year to the day it happened. In my mind it's the song that captures and sums up our trip even more than the gazillion Bob Dylan songs we heard and sang on our way home.
I finally figured out cruise control with my Bessie!
I had the best time doing the simplest things like watching movies with you all day because it was with you. It goes to show it's not what you do but who you do it with that makes something worthwhile. There was never a dull moment for me in our trip. I could have spent the rest of my life with you on this neverending trip. I can't explain in words how happy I felt that I had you to my own even if only for a couple days. The idea that life with you can be the way it was for those few days makes living in this fucked up world worthwhile.
Don't think it's ever escaped my mind the sacrifices you made to spend that christmas with me. You gave up christmas with your family and that was the single greatest gift anyone has given me. If I had any doubts or wondered how much you loved me I found out then. For those few days I know what happiness was. I know it sound like a cliché but I mean it from the bottom of my heart. Nothing in my life has had more significance to me then those days. I've come to a sad realization that we can't choose who we fall in love with and I want to thank you for trying to love me the way I love you even though you don't love me that way. That makes me very sad because whether it's true or not I feel like the biggest reject, incapable of a woman's love. I gave you my all and it wasn't good enough. That's something I accept with much sorrow. No one will ever fill the void you leave in my heart and whether you believe me or not I say it with the deepest sincerity. I can never love someone the way I love you because that love will always be reserved for you until the day I die. You were meant for me and no one will ever love you the way I do. You merely have to look into my eyes to know that every word I say is true.
We'll always have arkansas.
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