7 Pounds: The Love Letter

While working on 7 Pounds Catlin might have made a mistake in given me a pocket notepad. If you know me well you know that a blank sheet of paper is a green light for me to write the thoughts that consume me. In the 7 Pounds series of blogs I've been writing I found this notepad. Along with orders for scrambled Egg whites and turkey sausages I found an interesting bit of writing. There's a letter I wrote to someone, "The One" if you will, which I never delievered. I didn't have the courage or confidents at the time to give it to her and the price of rejections was too high. Rejection that would have taken sometime to recover from if at all. Now! If today is my last day on earth I wouldn't be satisfied if this bit of writing stayed hidden. I feel like sharing it. I find it to be a beautiful piece of writing that could only come to those who truely feel that way. There's no bullshiting around love! My heart would smile in knowing that any of you have received one or even written one like so. I've wriiten many like it before and I can't tell you how this one stands above the rest. It happens to be the most recent one I've written and I wrote it 4 months ago. I don't think I could write anything like it at this point in my life. I resist the urge to feel this way or to write about it now because it would hurt too much. I recall writing how in love I may be and how a person makes me feel but at the end of the day it's all for not if that person doesn't feel the same. That's what hurts. This piece of writing is a great example of who I was then, how I felt....and well how that feeling hasn't much changed.

When you asked me the question would I give up my dream of filmmaking for you I was quick to say I would. To be honest the question ran through my head many time before you asked it. I stand by it. That's an example of how I could defend it being love and nothing else. You would never put me in that position. You would never give me an ultimatum. A person can have whatever they want but if they don't have anyone to share it with then what is it really worth? I have my own example of happiness and it goes by the name &$!%@. You make me happy to be alive darling. I could have the shittest job, no friends but if I came home to you every night I'd feel completely blessed because as confusing, fucked up and unclear life can be, I look or think of you and everything makes sense. How can I know? How can I be so sure? I don't know. I can't be 100% sure but its something I wouldn't be ashamed to say I was wrong about. The risk of not trying is far greater. You are my happiness and anything less would be a disappointment. It's been a week and I miss you already. Not a day goes by in which you don't run through my head. Understand this one thing if only this one thing: Whatever I do, whatever life brings would be worth doing as long as it's with you. I see the successes, the failures, the battles, the experiences, the ups and downs in our future and can't imagine us facing them without each other. I want to be there for the day you graduate law school prouder then your closest family members. I want to be there to travel miles through state lines because you need me to. I want to be there for the birth of our child. How wonderful would it be if two people could find comfort, acceptance, in their tragedies with each other? Two people bonded in giving life a meaning and maybe realizing along the way that the answers they seeked were in each other the whole time. It's become more then just a nice idea of mine, it's become possibility since I've met you. It's a curious thing mi amor to not see you for a period of time and being anxious to see how beautiful you are as if I've forgotten. You still have the ability to make my knees buckle like the first time I told you I loved you. I also worry that you might not be the same person I fell in love with but once you smile back at me it's like a whole weight is lifted. The skies clear up and nothing else matters. If only we could feel that way forever.

You think it would have gotten me anywhere if I give it to her? I didn't think so then and I don't think so now.